You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
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Never forget.
[Spelling bee]
Judge: “Your word is unhelpful.”
Kid: “Can you use it in a sentence please?”
Judge: “Nope.”
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
ruin a date by talking about marriage and then following through on it
[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
The lady behind me in line at Target was frustrated I was writing a check, so I got out a feather pen and ink bottle and did it right.
Me, in my teens: This radio station is playing my jams.
Me, in my 20s: This bar is playing my jams.
Me, in my 30s: This grocery store is playing my jams.
if “Joker” had come out in 2020, it would be called “Normal Man”
A new study finds that sausages are often linked to other sausages
CAUTION : THE ROADS ARE SO DANGEROUS RIGHT NOW UNLESS YOU WANNA GO GET ME SOME BAGELS, THEN THEY ARE FINE
If you eat a block of cheese and do a lunge, it should balance out, right?
Actually, it was less lunge, more trip, but still.
Pronounces Gene Hackman like Pac-Man and you won’t convince me i’m wrong
I swear, one more minor inconvenience and I’m running away to join the circus.
My 18yo daughter doesn’t think I’m funny, so I’m going to show her bf that tap dancing video she did in second grade to ‘ice ice baby’
4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
I like to watch the murder shows on Investigation Discovery so I don’t make the same mistakes those killers did.
Why are you wearing that outfit again?
Me: Because I paid for it and I have a washing machine
Brain: No.
Me: …
Brain: Really.
Me: …
Brain: Don’t do it.
Me: …
Brain: Keep your mouth sh-“Honey, you’re wrong.”
Brain: I give up.
announcing “i’m pregnant”
– pretty normal
– congratulations
– are you excited?screaming “there’s something inside of me”
– sounds dangerous
– we still talking about pregnancy?
– are you john hurt’s character from the hit film alien?
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Monday 8am: I write a list of things that must get done today.
Monday 6pm: I scratch MON off of the top of the entire list and write TUES.
I’m not signing up for the 401k, there’s no way I can run that far.
Me pretending to be shocked when they announced my boss got fired this morning like I didn’t interview for her position last week.
In India, when they say there’s an elephant in the room, there’s an elephant in the room.
Would like to think i’m a chill person but i did a jigsaw puzzle the other day with people who had bad puzzle etiquette and i nearly put my fist through the glass top of the coffee table.
This burrito reminds me of the time I accidentally opened the wrong can of food when I was drunk.
Dog food…I accidentally ate dog food.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee
“Have you forgotten your password?”
Fish: 😔
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough