I was uninvited to “drop it” because we couldn’t hear Yoncé over my Rice Krispie knees.
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Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Sarah Ross, on Facebook, handed out full-size candy bars. She also put a potato in the bowl. 🥔
**Pixar Film Themes Guide**
Toy Story: Jealousy
WALL-E: Environmentalism
Up: Bereavement
Cars: Cars
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
Not to brag but I already took down the Easter Tree
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Face ID always wanting me to suppress my emotions this is a toxic relationship
Spoil any movie by telling ur friend “Ice Cube dies” before they watch it. They’ll be waiting for Ice Cube to appear and die the whole time
If you would like to get an idea of what an exorcism is like, try putting clothes on a toddler.
According to autocorrect, my favorite Star Wars character is Bob’s Feet.
moving out: guess I’ll get rid of that exercise bike
moving in: you know what this place could use…
“Your cute”
“My cute what?”
I don’t know what to do
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
From the 3 wise men story we learn that wisdom doesn’t always translate into mad gift giving skills
Me: Threesome?
Wife: When pigs fly!Do I wish for flying pigs?
Pro: Threesome
Con: High bacon prices*has idea
*starts building catapult
Loan officer: Mr. Minotaur, I’d love to help you but I dont think opening a china shop is a good idea.
Did you know there’s a wrong kind of mac-n-cheese? I was unaware that my kids have, over the years, decided there exists but one brand of mac-n-cheese and apparently if I make a different kind the dogs eat it instead.
P.S. the dogs do not exhibit this type of brand loyalty
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
“My New Years resolution is to become the guy that tries to start a conversation with you as you leave the room”, I’ve been saying to all my co-workers when they start to leave the room.
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
“And if all your friends were jumping off a bridge, would you make up a story about jumping off a bridge too?”– Teen Brian Williams’ mother
I hate when I go to unbutton my pants because they’re too tight and they’re already unbuttoned.
[picking out clothes] ah yes, what lovely garment shall i stain with food on this fine day
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
Took my puppy to the vet today and they distracted him with a cozy bed, cookies, and cheese so my gynecologist needs to up their game.
Found out Ludacris married a girl I went to high school with and it really made me rethink some things. Can’t help but feel like if I had played my cards right maybe Ludacris would have married me
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring