COP: step outta the car
ME: k
COP: got any drugs on u
ME: nah
COP: how about the car
ME: wouldn’t surprise me. it’s been acting funny lately
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Damn you Jehovah’s, suckered me in to opening my door. Sure,I’ll read your literature, while you read my twitter. We’ll see who converts who
My 13 year old doesn’t speak when she picks up the phone. She just listens and hangs up. I think she’s going to be a hitman someday.
You (drinking coffee): Drugs are bad
Me (smugly injecting heroin): Actually, coffee is a drug
“we want grandchildren” sorry hope you like podcasts
Pro Tip for the ladies. Ask him to show you where the “jack thingy” is at in the trunk and when he shows you..
That’s when you push him in.
the nice thing about always being late is never having to worry about getting worms
[at ultrasound]
Wife: omg so what is it?
Me: it’s a baby.
Wife: I know that.
Me: then why did you ask?
Wife:
Doctor: yes then why did you ask?
Moaning “Oh God” on a Sunday morning is the closest I’ll get to church
BREAKING: Metropolitan Police have stated that whoever broke into Scotland Yard last night and locked all their case files in a picnic basket has seriously hampered their investigations.
The reason sex with a vampire doesn’t usually result in pregnancy isn’t because their sperm is dead, it’s because the vampire can’t come inside without an invitation.
Thank you for coming to my HaunTED Talk.
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
wife: What would you do if 9 told you he was gay?
me [looking for the remote] Ask him if he’s seen the remote
the Lord of the Rings is mostly a bunch of really old guys walking around telling some 40 year old Hobbits “yeah this place used to be really cool but it sucks now”
*Pokes the bear just to feel alive
*Bear uses bear spray on me
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
I haven’t cleaned my shower in so long, it’s becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
“Size DOES matter”, I whisper to my double stuffed Oreos.
How are there more Canadians on Twitter than in Canada?
Her: I’m not like other girls
Me, knows no other girls: ah that’s good to hear
My friend is mad because I called her baby the cutest little freak show. The CUTEST tho… it’s like she missed that part.
Hey waiters-I don’t ever ‘save room for dessert’, I just stuff it in there and pray to God I don’t have an accident.
last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
*police searching my home
So, the coffin is for Halloween?
Yes. Yes it is.
Everybody’s gangsta until they drop their phone face down on the ground.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Pandemic’s been going on so long quarantine is now quaranadult
Calm down check out guy, you don’t have to inspect my $20 so hard, If I was talented enough to make my own, I wouldn’t be in Quickie Mart..
“Sweet dreams you piece of shit.” I try to snap the prison guard’s neck but just make him look to the left very quickly.
Sorry I got kicked out of the auditorium for yelling GET A TOMB YOU TWO during your little brother’s 9th grade production of Romeo & Juliet.