I tried on a pair of shorts at Target and they fit perfectly. I went to check the size and apparently I’m “husky child”
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Be right back. Gotta climb a huge hill, put my 4 yr old on a piece of plastic & then shove him down a sheet of ice.
No YOUR a grammar nazi!
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
For starters, you drew your mom the same size as the house. Good enough for the fridge? I don’t even want it in my garbage.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
“After you.”
“No, after you.”
“I insist.”
“Sure?”
“Please.”
“If you insist.”
“I do.”
“I’ve finished.”
“Thank you.”– Canadian Dirty Talk
*reaches the end of the rainbow
*discovers leprechauns guarding ripe avocados
Me: I just want to sleep!
Brain: AND I WANT YOU TO THINK ABOUT EVERY LIFE CHOICE YOU’VE EVER MADE!
Bladder: Oh & don’t forget about me.
I told my kids to follow their hopes and dreams, as long as their hopes and dreams lead them out of my house when they’re 21.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
Game of Thrones: Now with 100 percent more zombies! The Walking Dead should fire back by adding kingdoms.
Scientists say that dinosaurs and humans didn’t coexist but the makers of The Flintstones clearly dispute this so I’m not sure.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
do the spectators at golf tournaments know they don’t have to be there
“Schrödinger’s Second” is the time immediately after a child collides with an object where they are both hurt and not hurt until observed
This is the smartest joke I’ve ever written
I have just completed knitting a tiny sweater for my one true friend, who is a grape.
No parent wants to see their child grow up and join a cult or a cable news political panel.
7: Mama, are you lonely when we go to bed?
Me: (Handle this like a great mom. Get the look off your face. Don’t laugh.) Of course, sweetie.
My neighbor’s facebook movie is just a montage of me caught on surveillance video, stealing his newspaper every morning.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Sometimes you just gotta be happy the kid is vacuuming her own room and overlook the fact that she’s making figure 8s
*boss trying to relate to younger employees*
“Excited for the weekend? I know I’ll be *looks down at Wikipedia print-out* Yoloing for sure!”
Me: Man, I’m exhausted! I’m going to get a good night’s sleep tonight.
Toddler: hold my sippy cup
5: Mommy, you’re a BOSSY YELLER who makes people CRY.
My mother, to 5: Yes. She’s always been that way.
10 likes this girl so I’m going to teach him everything I know about women long story short we’re getting our bikes to ride around her house
a 3-way standoff between a duck with a laser pointer, a cat with a vacuum cleaner, and a dog with a loaf of bread
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
There is literally no limit to how many Kevins you can be friends with.
Me: it’s almost like if someone is interested in me I instinctively run away
Therapist: that’s interesting
Me: ok you seem nice but I gotta go