The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
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All we want is to get laid and for no one to touch our cell phones.
bottle cap guy is just phoning it in at this point
There is a natural phenomenon going on in my house. It seems I’m the only one who sees the trash piling up. It’s quite astounding.
It’s normal to have conflicting feelings on Columbus Day. True, he discovered the Greatest Nation on Earth, but he also supported Obamacare.
Your voice mail was so long, I thought I was listening to a podcast.
A pork chop is one of the most dangerous karate moves a pig is capable of.
i love reading medieval census documents because what’s carl doing in there
Careful…I’ve already had our entire fight in my head and it doesn’t end well for you.
Sorry my armpits are so sweaty, I had to say my name and title on a conference call.
Do you think my husband will be mad when he sees how creatively I’ve killed the lawn?
Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
Forgot to take off my makeup and woke up looking like Cyndi Lauper from 1983.
How to handle a one night stand the next morning:
1. Put on Titanic
2. He’s gone, that’s it
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
*closes door*– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
Me: Is the natural state of the soul quiet or chaos?
Taco Bell cashier: Look buddy, it’s transient, shifting like water
[flying to Vegas]
TSA agent: The metal detector is going crazy. Do you have any metal on you?Me: Just my lucky rabbit’s foot key chain, my lucky penny, my lucky bronzed four-leaf clover and my lucky horseshoe.
Imagine the time we’d save if we could just normalize best friends sitting in on marital discussions and arguments so we wouldn’t have to relay all the details later.
Hilarious that in this day and age there are people who expect you to be presentable at any given time. Like, no, bro, I need at least a half hour lead time to turn this mess around.
The existence of raw sexuality implies the existence of medium sexuality, but also well-done sexuality
My secret to making condoms more comfortable is telling men how badly I want a baby
At my funeral I want a magician to saw my coffin in half or I’m not going.
[Spelling Bee]
Her: Your word is consent.
Him: Can you describe the word?
Her: Yes.
4 out of 5 dentists recommend Trident sugarless gum. The 5th dentist is busy butchering protected wildlife.
Human: your name is Flipper
Dolphin: (angerly) uh ok, HAND
*seductively eats two tums*
Sorry I overreacted when we both reached for the last piece of pecan pie. I had no idea a fork could penetrate so far into a human forearm.
If you’re happy and you know it, clap your hands. There’s nothing more endearing than happy people applauding themselves.
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
Pro-tip: The best way to keep people away from you in public is to carry a clipboard. People fear the living shit out of clipboards.