I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
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“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Me: You’re supposed to be taking a nap
4-year-old: I am
Me: Then why are you standing here?
4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: This is a dream
*bride and groom kiss*
minister: wow im like right here
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground
Woke up with no money. I was robbed last night by a guy who looks exactly like me, but drunker.
My coworker carries around a rosary in his hand so that if he gets caught sleeping he can say he was praying
IM ALMOST POSITIVE THATS JUST A COOKIE
I like Tweets that are so good that when I send them to FB my old friends won’t talk to me on the phone for a week.
Met a hot girl in the bar.
She said if I give her 500 bucks she’ll show me a real good time. So I gave her 500 bucks and she ran 100 meters in 12 seconds.
Mama I made it :,) RT @funTweeters: #WayneL_Jr Your tweet was published Welcome to the family 🙂
wanna reboot your brain?
eat spicy ramen
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
15 wants to change my oil as a Mother’s Day gift, it’s really sweet but I can’t afford a new car right now.
A haunted house but for awkward interactions. Someone pops out at you and you’re like “nice to meet you” and they’re like “haha actually we’ve already met”
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
How to resolve a complaint from neighbours
What i said : I really like this song
What i meant : Shut your face for the next few minutes
Had to Google, “Nice way to say selfish” for a recommendation today.
*at a restaurant, eating burgers*
Me: “I don’t take condiments well.”
Friend: “Don’t you mean compliments?”
Me: *already covered head-to-toe in ketchup*
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Wanna up the awkward while standing in line? Turn around while you wait.
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I’m not religious but I know there’s a hell because Monopoly exists
*pulling up to toll both with megaphone in hand*
Booth operator: ma’am please not again
Me: someBODY once tolled me—
My son thinks he’s studying for his math competition. What he doesn’t know is that I’m just asking him all these questions until our checkbook is balanced.
Chunky peanut butter is just peanut butter that hasn’t quite reached its full potential. Be patient with it.
TINDER SHOULD SHOW YOU WHAT AGE RANGE UR MATCHES ARE OPEN TO WHAT IF I MATCH WITH A GROWN MAN WHO HAS HIS PREFERENCES DOWN TO 18 HOLY SHIT NO BUENO