Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.
Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.
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one of my students brought back his report card today signed “MOMMY” 😭
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
I accidentally answered my phone & panicked when I heard someone say “hello?” so I just did the best I could & made the fax machine noise.
“Until Death Do Us Part” was put into marriage vows when the life expectancy was 35.
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
Funny how the British conquered so much land looking for spices.
But then refused to use them.
I tried to be polite and hold the door open for a woman, but she kept screaming, “I’m peeing in here!”
Being a parent means calling your parents to apologize for your past behavior
If money can’t buy you happiness then you’re in the wrong mall.
Roadtrip thread:
We made it 2.8% of the way to our destination before being asked when we were gonna be there.
If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
My obituary will say “He always found himself being lured into uncomfortable social situations by the promise of food”.
My super power is being able to sing along to Pearl Jam without knowing a single word
Nonwriters: How do you write a book?
Writers: Well, you write and delete a lot. Then spend three hours researching, and correct it. Next you doubt your grasp on the english language and rewrite it again
Nonwriters: Then you’re done?
Writers: Then you start the next paragraph
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
[using Apple Pay]
Cashier: Tilt your phone
Me: *tilts*
Cashier: Closer
Me: Ok
Cashier: Stand on one leg
Me: Huh?
Cashier: Sing Apple Bottom Jeans
Me: What?
Cashier: Eat this apple
Restaurant review: the food definitely breaks apart when you chew it. Menu has letters. People were there too.
[ spelling bee ]
judge: your word is feeling
me: can you use it in a sentence
judge: how are you feeling
me: ok
judge: wrong
Florida’s state motto should be “hold my beer.”
I’m 53 years old unless I’m driving at night in the rain. Then I’m 107.
I can’t even tell you how much I would not enjoy this
‘I want to gossip but professionally.’
– news anchors
Seductively calls you out on your bullshit.
Just kidding, I don’t do anything seductively.
People will walk away mid-sentence if you click your heels together three times while repeating, “There’s no place like home.”
public defender: if we get the wooden hammer away from the judge we win
O Wise One….
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
Stepped on the scale nekkid and that’s how I know my glasses weigh 20lbs.
My right hand: I’ll hold these three Trader Joe’s bags, your overstuffed tote and one awkward rope handled shopping bag
My left hand: imma pet this doggie