date: are you looking for love?
me: [peering over top of menu] no they only do pretzels
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There are no more ventriloquist’s dummy comedians because the ventriloquist dummies killed them all.
Just experienced LA to its fullest.
A girl ate a habanero pepper and panicked and someone offered her a glass of milk and she paused mid freak out and goes “do you have almond milk?”
My 4yo is now doing the “I definitely don’t need to go to the toilet” dance
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
My 11-year-old showed me how to fix something on my computer that I didn’t understand.
She’s eleven.
I’m thirty-six years old and I’ve already become my grandparents.
A restaurant specifically for people in their thirties and over with flattering lighting, tums for appetizers and complimentary advil with every drink order
Me: Damn. Another gray hair. *plucks it*
Old man standing next to me: Ouch!
Life is like having a brazilian wax. The more times you have the carpet ripped out from under you, the less painful it gets.
Hi, my name’s Ray. I’ll be drawing your blood today as soon as I finish this Capri Sun.
*misses hole 4 times then punches straw through bag*
Is it safe for Ryan Gosling to wink at a girl that’s already pregnant or does it like, poke the baby?
can’t wait for this corona thing to blow over and I can stop washing my hands again
One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
Of course I trust you, the hidden cameras were to capture possible paranormal activities.
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
Caught myself staring into the medicine cabinet like I do with the refrigerator.
Me: Now that you’re in kindergarten, you’re going work on being a good citizen to your classmates. Do you know what that means?
My 5YO: Yeah like don’t swear at them and don’t punch them.
Me: … yeah, pretty much
TSA agent: Did you leave your baggage unattended?
Me: *Thinks about crushing weight of all previous life experiences* Nope got it all here with me
me: [donating body to science]
science: [donates my body to goodwill]
I’ll only go to your NYE party if I can bring a -1.
Like, I show up, pick a person, and then they have to go home.
Whenever bands ask me for examples of a “good press photo” I send them this
[stirring sparkling water with a hot dog] I wouldn’t say the lottery win changed me
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
When I match a very good looking person on dating apps I send them a message saying “Sorry I swiped right by accident.” And immediately unmatch them. They then have this burning desire to stalk my socials and chase me for validation.
Remembered there were pudding cups in the fridge, so I walked faster than usual to the kitchen and now I know what a “runner’s high” is.
Is it a bad sign when your 8 year old laptop starts smoking?
Or is it just going through a rebellious phase?
This day in history. 1967. Ed Sullivan made the Rolling Stones change the lyric “Let’s spend the night together” to the more family friendly “Let’s go back to my place boink boink boinkity-boink.”
These cats just swagged into the room like they had some serious yolo’ing to do.
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered