Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
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Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
wish I never spent that $20 my grandma gave me when I was 12, I could really use it right now
I know how to share fries even if others do not. I am a bear.
Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
Husband: Did you just change from one set of pjs to another?
Me:
H:
Me:
H: …you look great
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
i hav cat-like reflexes
“prove it”
*looks at a cat*
(instantly) i like that cat
My son is watching Up, and asked if they tried to get a baby by having sex.
If I have to picture Carl and Ellie doing the nasty, so do you.
Me: To the window; to the wall.
Realtor: Just to be clear we are discussing your house showing.
Me, sophisticated:
*tastes wine* Mmm, is this a red?
My doctor told me, “If you don’t quit smoking, it doesn’t really matter how poorly you eat” and that was the best day of my life.
I will NEVER make the same mistake twice … In a row. They’re in rotation.
I just inhaled a bug. Please excuse me while I light my entire head on fire.
You, watching House Hunters: this is ridiculous
Me, a house hunter: [squatting low to the ground, sniffing house dung] a bungalow is nearby
I’m one of those lucky people that can eat whatever they want and not put on any clothes.
I hate handshakes. The bones really mess up the blender and the knuckles are hard to swallow.
Jumped off the couch so fast when the microwave dinged that I’m now eligible for the draft.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
They say there’s no such thing as a stupid question but then they’ll go and wake you up to ask if you’re asleep.
[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
just found a error in Titanic: they play a song by Celine Dion, but the film is set in 1912 and she actually wasn’t even born until 1968
A thoughtful Romcom about mansplaining called “Well, Actually”
it’s only anxiety if it comes from the anxious region of the brain otherwise it’s just sparkling nervousness
Him: *running* That’s not what they mean when they say, “Chicks dig scars!”
Me: *shovel in hand* It’s what this chick means.
I’m like a swan. But not in the elegant grace way, in the way I’m surprisingly violent if you get between me and bread.
ME: check out this cordless trimmer
BARBER: stop calling me that.
Good guy in movie shot 3 times: I must save my family
Me, kinda sore from trampoline sesh: sorry gramma can’t make it to your 85th bday
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
I only do cardio because it’s impossible to stalk someone you can’t keep up with.