4-year-old: Can we have Oreos for dinner?
Me: Are you crazy? That’d be terrible for you.
4: Mom’s not home.
Me: *eats Oreos for dinner*
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I’ll pick my dog’s poop up with my bare hands and put it in my pocket to end any chit-chat other dog walkers try to have with me in the morning.
ME ONLINE: all people deserve the same rights & quality of life
ME IN TRAFFIC: I HOPE EVERYONE IN THIS MINIVAN GETS EATEN BY RABID BADGERS
Do I have a plan for the zombie apocalypse? I don’t even have a battery in my smoke detector and fire is real.
There’s nothing horribler than a word that isn’t real.
I’d have more sympathy for Sony’s alleged loss of $200 million if that weren’t the cost of like three large popcorns at any movie theater.
Holiday cards, when you care enough to let friends, family, customers & clients see how your handwriting hasn’t improved since fourth grade.
My chiropractor is a crack addict.
Gaslighting one person isn’t enough. I’m scheduling a town hall meeting.
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
If I ever tell you to “Be the ball,” I’m not coaching you…I’m preparing you for my nine iron.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.
Love how Google seems to know everything I’m doing before I even think about it, but Google Maps needs me to completely type out an address before it knows I’m not looking for driving directions from the US to India.
Rage Against the Severely Uncooperative TouchPad On this Dell
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
I blocked her number when we broke up. But I never stopped waiting for her message ever..!
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
who knew parenting would entail saying “pick that up off the floor” followed by “and don’t put it in your mouth” so often
when i met him, i should’ve recognized the red flags because he immediately wanted to move in with me. 11 months later he still has no job or money and i can’t do anything without him watching my every move.
like, i know he’s my son but he’s gotta get it together.
me after killing a werewolf: more like werewolf {but this time i pronounce it were, like the second person singular past, plural past, and past subjunctive of be}
I wonder how much deeper the ocean would be without sponges. 🤔
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
Wife: Why don’t you buy me flowers?
Me: I didn’t realise you sold them. Also why are you talking like a pirate?
and that’s why I’m fat🤭
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Neighbor: Hi buddy, how you doing this morning?
My 3 year old: Good. My mom puts heavy things on me at night so I can’t move or get out of bed.
A weighted blanket. We gave him a weighted blanket.
if u die of a potassium induced stroke cuz you ate too much fruit, bitch that’s called a bananeurysm
My toddler is asking all her friends if they like cake. If they say yes, she takes them off her birthday party invite list because she doesn’t want to share her cake. I’m torn between extreme pride and anger that I never thought of this myself
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]