“sir we don’t hire people to be mannequins”
Me:*strikes mannequin pose*
“No, sir we don-”
M:*new pose*
[under breath] “damn this guys good”
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barista calling out order: Gee Off
Geoff: It’s Geoff. I watched you write it on my cup as I spelled it out to you not five minutes ago
barista: nice try, Gee Off
Eating wings is the opposite of flying
Hopefully women like a mature man. Because when I say I can do it multiple times a day, I mean vacuum.
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Delilah: hey
Jude: hey there
Tell me again why was it necessary to dress as Snow White & bring a basket of eggs to the delivery?
I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.
I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.
Camp Detective: [struggling to get out of a hammock] I suppose you’re all – ugh – I suppose you’re all wondering – mmmmph! Goddamit – why I called you here toda- no! Don’t help me I CAN DO IT
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
The sadiator games of ancient Rome were deemed too much of a bummer by the emperor and were replaced with the more popular gladiator games.
9: Why do some British people drop the t’s in their accents?
Me: Cause they have different accents from different parts of England.
9: No it’s cause they drank all the teas!
😂🤣😂🤣
Her: what’s your favorite position
Me: devil’s advocate
Her: i meant sexual position
Me: but what if you didn’t
I love the originality of Jack-in-the-Box’s marketing. Name one other fast food chain with a clown for a mascot.
teenage son: [mad at me] I WISH I WAS BATMAN [slams door]
me: ok lol
[later]
me: hey what the f-
every For Him gift guide is just like “have you considered sock?? what about TOOL??“
date: what do u do
me: well u know big bird
date: omg. u play him
me: no *places a crossbow on the table* i hunt him
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
If I were a hairdresser, my business cards would say, “I’ll cut you.”
Protip: if your date is going to throw a drink at your face, at least open your mouth, because hey, free drink.
If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
They sacked me for putting profit before people – I was a terrible dictionary compiler
Hey Pringles, It’s time to widen the can. Your core demographic isn’t exactly thin-wristed. Thank you!
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
Happy Halloween! I am currently dressed as Schrödinger while simultaneously not dressed as Schrödinger.
whenever i’m laughing i’m always like omg just like that cow from that cheese
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
If my landlord would just take cat hair instead of money, I could pay for the whole year upfront.
*1st time at gym*
*picks up weight*
how do i equip this
*steps on treadmill*
can i get exp on here
*taps huge guy*
do you sell mana potions