You know what they say, the secret to a good relationship is never going to bed married.
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Stop me if you’ve heard this one
Daddy I’m full
Ok, but the kitchen is closed for the night
(after cleaning up dinner)
Daddy I’m hungry
It’s always fun to put a rainbow bumper sticker on your homophobic friend’s car.
If my girlfriend hired cheaters they’d just tell her “the whole goddamn day, he looked up from his phone twice and once it was to sneeze”
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
People who say “Don’t shit where you eat” have clearly never heard of Chipotle
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
Every restaurant that opens around my town is like “come on by for amazing food, our hours are Wednesday to Thursday, 1pm-3pm, can’t wait to see you!”
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
it’s the silliest best thing
6YO: Daddy you’re so talented
Me: Awww Thank Y..
6YO: …this morning your snoring sounded like a pig was beat boxing
*Making friends at the playground*
My 6yo: How old are you?
Other kid: I’m 13. What about you?
6yo: Oh I’m almost 13 – I’m 6.
My 4yo: *casually* I’m 15.
Each second of this is more amazing than the last
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
I love Buzzfeed because all the headlines are something a drunk girl would say right before passing out. “Um did you know corgis can wink??”
I never really understood the tiny house trend, but then I saw one where the bed was literally in the kitchen, and now I get it.
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Me: but the therapist told me I should face my fears
Wife: *seething* not your fear of dropping a baby you idiot
Me: calm down it wasn’t even our baby
People only fall for me because I give them a swift leg swoop when they least expect it.
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
My family was totally confused tonight because there’s a candle lit that smells like a cake is baking without burning
I don’t do that
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
Why does the couple at the beginning of a scary movie always have to be happy & sexy why can’t it be like, Pat & Deb, 56 & 54, IBS sufferers
These 3D printers are insane!
if u put a disguise on a cow then legally the cow is incowgnito
At least you can’t replace ME with cauliflower.
The Wife: Challenge accepted.
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
It’s a little bit tight did you keep the receipt?
Why do Mexicans eat tamales on Christmas?
Because they’re delicious, you racist asshole.