“And why do you want to work at the aquarium?”
* imagines me with a mermaid tail swimming in the giant tank after hours*
I like fish
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“Sucks to suck!” My 3 yr old yelled as she ran away from me in a busy store. You see, I don’t simply have bullies, I make them.
IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
[Clown College]
Teacher: Ok so balloon animals are pretty simple, you ju-
Pennywise: *raising hand*
Teacher: Any questions that are NOT about eating children?
Pennywise: *sadly putting hand down*
Someone needs to speak to the graphic designer who came up with this.
this mf tried to spell arrangatangs with an o
An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
#RubbishJokes #TuesdayVibe
Me: no way you could see that with your naked eye
7yo: *shocked* my eye is not naked
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
…sees you when you’re sleeping, knows when you’re awake, knows if you’ve been bad or good…
Me: Omg, this song is about my phone.
Toast should never pick a fight with me because I eat toast for breakfast.
“FINISH HIM,” I scream, as Nana takes the last bite of her gingerbread man.
I don’t normally cook. How much vodka do you add to the mashed potatoes?
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Coronavirus is a middle school friend who’s mad at you for some reason but won’t tell you why “because you should know why” & you’re ignoring it & trying to act cool but everyone can see you’re slope shouldered/sad & this metaphor has gotten away from me LARA TELL ME WHAT I DID.
I’m doing the lords work (judging)
Sharks don’t like the taste of human flesh, which must mean they are drama queens who only eat people for attention.
[first date]
her : where do you see yourself in next 10 years?
me : at our daughter’s piano recital
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
….and you will know me by the trail of roaches l leave behind.
him: *dying* avenge me
[later]
widow: ok who put him in the thor costume
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
Feeling sad because my hamster died… Well he’s not ‘technically’ dead yet, but I ran out of food so it’s really just a matter of days.
and on the 8th day, god created a website for u to meet the hot christian singles in ur area
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
If Christian Bale’s voice as Batman were any more throaty, that dude would be talking Arabic.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Travel experts recommend carrying a second dummy wallet when visiting high crime areas, but I carry a third wallet as well. If a mugger approaches I start an elaborate game of 3-card Monte. “Where’s the money?” I ask. “Wrong!” There is none, I’m broke from buying a third wallet.