Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
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Marriage should be traditional. As it was in The Bible. Between a man and a rib.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
Dating Tip:
Surprise the woman you are courting with a bouquet of cats
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
My cooking is nothing that a flame thrower and take away menu can’t fix
Aw man, but that’s the best part
Her: sobbing, smashing Doritos and cupcakes into her mouth*
Him: how was your day, babe?
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
“Wow, push-ups?”
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
Oh no I got so excited that you texted me that I accidentally replied 11 thousand times and then swung into your house on a rope
*ball flies past
15 love
-aw thanks
*ball flies past
30 love
-too kind
*ball flies past
40 love
-you too babe
Have you played tennis before?
Me: Time to relax and get into bed!
The Internet: Wanna read something upsetting first?
Me: Yes, obviously.
Sometimes I pick another language on the ATM to see if I can make it all the way thru.
So I’m still broke, but now also in French.
I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
My doctor asked me how many drinks I have each week. Who keeps track of that? I said I was an alcoholic, not a mathematician.
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
If you think Jason Momoa has dad bod, please give me your dad’s phone number.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Wife: did you know hippos kill way more people every year than sharks?
Me: how? by sitting on them? lol.
Hippo: [in the booth next to ours at Denny’s] I’m gonna kill him.
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
[paddling along the amazon silently in a kayak]
wife: “it’s so beautiful”
me: “can you believe they named this after a website?”
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
I accidentally bought organic milk instead of regular and now my family is so broke we are forced to live in a shack and make clothes out of recycled hair.
Health food? Baby, my body is a ’93 Honda hatchback with a headlight out. I’m not about to start putting premium gas in it now.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
There’s a special hole in my backyard for people to hit me in the back of the ankles with a shopping cart.
me: one taco plz
“Bro, this is Subway”
me: sorry [leaning in] one footlong taco plz