Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
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That wasn’t a typo. I’m into creative spelling.
If you drop your voice half an octave, you can literally say anything and at least one man will find it sexy.
Try it…”Bluetooth connected”
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
A career website for plumbers called sinkedin
My favorite part of the date is when I tell her that I want her to have my kids. And then I give them to her, all 3 of them.
The number of things that are *not* rocket science is staggering.
*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
Being a parent of 1 kid: I don’t know who I trust to babysit my child.
Being a parent of 2 feral toddlers: [summons Bloody Mary]
Want air conditioning on the shuttle bus? Open a window, Your Majesty.
Johnny Depp always looks like he is just as confused by his “accent”
Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
Me: Alexa, tell me a joke!
Alexa: You’re definitely going to finish that home improvement project this weekend.
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I have made a lot of bad decisions in my life but I’ve never made a bad sandwich. From now on I will make no more decisions only sandwiches.
*rushing into work*
sorry i’m late. one of my apostles betrayed me last night
Ran into an old friend who said that they thought I was dead. It was nice catching up.
Cat 911: what’s your emergency
Cat: my human is bleeding to death!
911: stay calm. what happened
Cat: she tried to pet my stomach so i bit her
911:
Cat:
911: hahahaha
Cat: hahahaHA
Cat Paramedics: *arriving on scene* HAHAHAHA
The very first thing my 3yo daughter said to me this morning was “I know how to start a fire!” so nothing you guys say today can scare me.
One Saturday morning at three,
A cheese monger’s shop in Paree.
Collapsed to the ground,
With a thunderous sound,
Leaving only a pile of de brie.#Limerick #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’ll probably stop watching “The Crown,” now that I know how it ends.
The reason a dog has so many friends is because he wags his tail instead of his tongue. 🐕
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
I made it halfway to Mexico before I realized that those sirens were just coming from the song on my radio.
It’s like my dad always said, “Distract the security guard.”
Why do people apologize when their dog runs up to you? You could stuff your dog down the back of my shirt and I’d give you a dollar
Writing without pants on is a simple pleasure.
Shame I can’t go back to Starbucks though.