Went outside. Touched grass. Got bit by bugs. Zero stars
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stopping the microwave at 0:01 is the closest I’ve come to being in a Michael Bay movie.
I’ve reached that age where I don’t have to drink to forget because it just happens naturally now.
[summoning my first demon]
ME: Sorry everybody. Sorry. That’s my fault. We’ll try it again next week.
MATT DAMON: Can someone call me an Uber?
It’s the eye of the tiger.
It’s the spleen of a sheep.
in case you haven’t heard it today:
– you matter
– you are loved
– your feathers are fluffy
– your plumage is the perfect shade of yellow
– you will one day pay homage to your ducky overlords
– you are beautiful
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
Me: “I need a home improvement loan.”
Banker: “What will you be using the money for?”
Me: “A divorce lawyer.”
fellas who call it the walk of shame why are you admitting that it’s embarrassing to have sex with you
Today’s weather from Yorkshire
This will teach them to underestimate me
You think you have it rough? I’m playing hangman with a 6yo who can’t spell.
Kid: Mom, will you play with me?
Me: Sure.
Kid: Okay, pretend you’re dead.
Me: This was the role I was born to play. *lays down and remains motionless for hours*
there’s no rule that says you have to share your birthday cake, you can just blow out the candles and take that shit home with u
*seductively peels off lederhosen
I refuse to believe Marchioness of Cholmondeley is a legitimate title, and not just what would happen if I drank 5 glasses of wine and then tried to say Matthew Mcconaughey.
Sometimes? I’m slipping
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
If you hit an iceberg, you’ll know because Celine Dion will start playing
why is covid-19 trending does anyone know
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
If someone says, “I hate to ask you this, BUT…” you should have 4 designated friends who will jump on you & carry you out of the building like secret service agents.
stacking up 8 sneezes so I can blow them all at once
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.
As it turns, all of those signs I drive by on roads and highways have words on them.
On a related note, my new contacts came in.
Me: I never remember whether I’m supposed to play dead or make myself as big as possible
My Boss: when you get up, go ahead and close my door and have a seat
[1994]
Me: 2020 is gonna be wild. Flying cars, robots everywhere, a technologically advanced utopia.
[2019]
Me: Ayyy my toaster can play the Goo Goo Dolls.
It’s a little sad that today’s youth don’t get to experience a red rubber dodgeball to the face like we did back in the day.
Very suspicious that this keeps happening
Holiday anxiety is the most festive of all the anxieties.
Me: “Get me a newspaper.”Friend: “Don’t be silly. Here. Borrow my iPad.” Poor spider never knew what hit it.