I like to think of myself not so much as a terrible driver, but an awesome stunt woman.
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The Illuminati is the belief that the most powerful ppl on Earth are in a conspiracy to leave giant clues that they’re part of a conspiracy.
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
I think the blue states should get the taco trucks first, and the red states have to wait, because elections have consequences.
*Likes your fan page* *Hides activity from timeline*
After staying home with the kids, my first day back to work was going great until I peed with the door open yelling SHARE!
when my sister was like 5 she wrote a note to the easter bunny that said “happy easter are you a boy or a girl” and my mom left a typed note that said “sorry i can’t read i’m just a bunny”
Inkling sounds like a baby octopus
I would watch a horse race if there were no horses. Just those little jockeys, in their splendid, colorful silk outfits and helmets and goggles running their little hearts out. I can picture it. It’s just too magical. Excuse me. I feel faint.
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
I love cheese!
Cheese: I have a boyfriend
*Banging on the bottom of my brain with a broomstick* HEY KEEP IT DOWN UP THERE
[during sex]
gf: this is so hot, seth!seth macfarlane: shut up, I’ll do all the voices!
gf:
seth [feminine voice]: this is so hot, seth!
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
i hate when teachers put “?” on graded work, bro idk what’s going on either
You know you’re old when you get a “You up?” text….
And it’s 8:25 p.m.
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
If life sucks, take a straw and you suck too
“Age is an issue of mind over matter. If you don’t mind, it doesn’t matter.”
– Mark Twain
Noah had a younger brother called Rick who just built a speedboat and saved 9 cheetahs
For an extra ten grand I’ll make it look like an accident and for an extra 20 I’ll make it look like a HILARIOUS accident
Tater Tots is a much better name than the original Crispy Potato Embryos.
in case you thought I was an intellect know that I almost threw away a carrot because it touched the ground
[meets a cute girl from Scotland]
“Ummm hi your people make fantastic tape”
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
My phone charger is lying in another room, HELP.
To the driver of the truck with the ENVYME vanity plate who took up two spaces and left me nowhere to park: Why would I envy someone with four freshly deflated tires?
Look, I know you really miss her. But, you know what? Sometimes things aren’t meant to be. One time I really wanted this waffle….