[a guy 3000 years ago putting his wet carrier pigeon in a bowl of rice]
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I was raised as an only child…. it totally pissed off my siblings
Me: It’s time to eat healthier and get in shape!
Also me: Excited my ice cream maker will be here in 2 days with Amazon Prime!
When you’re around too many morning people it’s like being in perkytory
And just like that, civilisation reached its limits
Imagine going on a date with someone holding a fish in their dating profile picture and when you get to the restaurant it’s just a salmon sitting there waiting
My 5 year old son just asked “what if we put a slice of turkey in the DVD player and it played a movie about the turkey’s whole life” and none of the parenting books I’ve read have prepared me for this question.
Soooo, if the string breaks off…do you just make yourself sneeze so that it shoots out?
Female cashier: [stares at me]
*rings up tampons*
Welcome to your 30s. Water gives you heartburn.
Don’t talk to me until after I’ve had my breakfast beer
What idiot called it “insomnia” and not “resisting a rest”?
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
First grade math makes no sense. I mean, who really buys 34 oranges and 21 apples in one day?!
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
ME: It’s a gun fight, don’t say you brought a knife
ALANIS MORRISETTE [brandishing 10,000 spoons] I’m not an idiot
I am a man with convictions.
Mostly because I have a really terrible lawyer.
Rich People Podcasts are wild.
Hold a grudge? I’m still mad at a song from 1995 that confused irony with coincidence.
Me: I try not to make snap judgments.
Me (watching someone eat Peeps): You’re disgusting.
Its funny how your parents tell you its their house, but as soon as something needs cleaning, it magically becomes yours too.
My personal favorite unit of measurement is whether or not something is considered “a big whoop”
Always remember the first move in every fight…punch to the balls.
Hey, people who solicit a response via text conversation then disappear for hours, I got one thing to say to you…
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Me, making resolutions in January: This is the year I work on myself for a change.
And then 2020 laughed and laughed and laughed and laughed.
Cndnsd Mlk
Me: I just need some alone time away from the kids
Wife: When?
Me: Between 2 and 5
Wife: Ok
Me: I’ll be back when they’re 6
On the 5th day, god was hungover & didn’t feel up to much so he created worms, shoelaces & spaghetti, then punched out just after 1pm.