dear law students: nothing in the civil rules prohibits yelling out latin phrases like harry potter spells.
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“Screw you, my face doesn’t look like that at all” – an actual duck.
I’m bored I think I’ll go to the mall, find a really good parking spot and sit there with my reverse lights on.
I’ve grown more powerful but in a completely useless way.
Don’t worry, protagonist. I’m sure your ridiculously specific amnesia has nothing to do with the missing member of the royal family who is exactly your age.
Why do doctor’s offices take your blood pressure AFTER weighing you? Of course it’s going to be high then.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Damn girl are you a bra because ur very supportive but I can’t figure out how to get you off
Not saying I’m impatient, but I do appreciate a murder in the first chapter.
The Republicans haven’t got a single candidate who could survive a Willie Wonka factory tour.
A marinara trench sounds nice tbh
“A user interface is like a joke. If you have to explain it, it’s not a that good.”#usability #uxdesign #iOSdev
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
If I wasn’t meant to have a bowl of Halloween candy for dinner, I should’ve had more trick or treaters.
ME: I want to take long walks with you.
HER: Aww…are you a romantic?
ME: No, I don’t have a car.
A lot of you are calling me “mom” lately. Is it cause I’m old? Or cause you respect me? I hope for your sake it’s cause I’m old.
I love ordering from Panera because it’s always a surprise. Am I going to get the spinach-egg white-avocado sandwich I ordered, or perhaps a steak and egg bagel? Maybe a lovely tomato soup for breakfast? It’s like a don’t-pick-your-own adventure!
you know you’re a little too deep into true crime when you call the windows in your house “points of entry.”
HIP-STAR WARS:
Obi Wan Quinoa-be VS. Darth Vaper
multitasking lunch
Good potato salad is like money. You never have as much as you want, and that’s probably a good thing.
they should make a pepper spray that sprays both forwards and backwards so you cant get confused. yeah I’m getting sprayed. but so are you. and Im probably gonna handle it better because of my unbreakable spirit
Surprise parties for Lindsey Lohan probably have that “Intervention-y” feeling at first.
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
Computer: choose a password
Me: mysocks
Computer: confirm password
Me: mysocks
Computer: passwords do not match
I keep my eyes in great shape by rolling them constantly.
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
WIFE: Can I get your wallet from your back pocket?
ME: [current world hula champion] You can try
superterriblemorningexpialidocious
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.