My parenting style is just spouting absurd ultimatums:
“Get your shoes on, or we won’t leave this house again for anything, ever.”
“Stop whining and walk, or I’ll donate your legs to someone who will appreciate them.”
“Turn off the TV, or I’m cancelling Netflix.”
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The Sun’s probably Asian.
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
Jesus Christ. They stole your tweet. Not your first born son.
When the chips are down, don’t worry. The dog will get em.
What I learned: the neighbors’ dog is not the neighbors’ dog
Why it’s important: the number of times I’ve put the dog back in their yard
Can anyone recommend a hypnotist? I’m open to suggestion
Never look at the guy riding a unicycle, you’re giving him what he wants
A dumpster is a sacred place. I am a bear.
Her: So what do you do?
Him: I’m a pickup artist.
Her: Pig! [leaves]
Him: *sighs* [puts away prints of exquisitely painted Ford F-150s]
I pack underwear as if I plan to shit myself for 40 days and nights
I talk to my librarian like he’s my drug dealer.
“You don’t have it yet? I need something now; what’ve you got? But it has to be POWERFUL!”
I’ve decided to stop using ladders. Put it down to “climb it change.”
some tweets get big favs but no RTs. why? [camera pans to dog in lab coat high up on a distant ledge. we’re too far away to hear his answer]
Elton John ”Hold me closer, tiny dancer”
CDC ”Stop right there!!”
Gonna pull a Timon & Pumba and start singing a song about not giving a shit at peoples funerals
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Families that do Christmas card photo shoots months before Christmas have the organizational skills of high-level Nazis.
I’ve had a lot more interest from women since I’ve been forced to wear a mask and I don’t know how to feel about that.
Kids: Stay in school.
Guys, the server commented on my healthy appetite as she was clearing my plate. It’s okay to eat her too, right? I didn’t have breakfast.
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
using telepathy to make the delivery guy get my package here NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or… NOW… or…
convinced my 44 year old therapist to confront her husband about not liking her instagram posts and left the session feeling so empowered by the realization that while she can’t make me better, i can make us both worse.
this cat is NOT cute!!! he a scammer and he just called an old woman at 9pm to say if she doesnt send a $50 itunes gift card the IRS is going to put her in jail for 87 years.
We had a friend install a door for us and now every time we see him he asks us “How’s that door holding up?” and this is why you hire strangers to do house repairs.
“I am inspiring” -Russian guy who’s about to get kicked out of his spy ring
I am waiting for the day we have a national scandal involving a gate
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.