I don’t use extra virgin olive oil cause I want my food to have some experience
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You don’t scare me, you are not the contact lens that is lost inside of my eye.
*visits new girlfriend’s house for 1st time*
“Make yourself at home”
Great. Thanks!
*I crawl into the closet and begin sobbing loudly*
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Nobody:
Me: LORD OF THE RINGS IS A CHRISTMAS MOVIE THERE ARE ELVES.
Groundhog Day
1993 ‧ Comedy/Romance ‧ 1h 41mGroundhog Year
2020/21 ‧ Horror ‧ 10,272days
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
If you make it through life without being portrayed in a murder documentary, take the win.
Why did the thumbs-up become the universal symbol for approval? “hey let me show u my weirdest finger because i’m down with what ur saying”
the sandworm from dune has arrived on the red carpet
I have patio furniture in the friend zone.
If you cut off a mommy blogger’s head she can continue mommy blogging for up to three full minutes.
Before you storm out of a room, make sure you take your phone.
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
really hoping a cop doesnt wander into my room and sees me googling “how to do a hit and run 2021” out of context
The most romantic way to propose is to put the ring in their dessert and when they bite it and break their tooth you yell “surprise, babe, you’re gonna be my wife and I have DENTAL COVERAGE”
Establish dominance by bringing a Squatty Potty to a business meeting
I wasted too much money on three pairs of purple camouflage pants.
If you have a horse and you didn’t name it Edgar Allan Pony, we can’t be friends.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Vacations in your single 20s: backpacking Europe, hiking a Hawaiian volcano, relaxing poolside in St Croix with a book & a cocktail
Vacations in your 40s with kids: WHY IS SAND ON EVERYTHING, STOP FIGHTING, NO DESSERT FOR YOU, WE’RE ALL GOING TO BED EARLY
Dear parents who line up 45 minutes early in the school pick-up line,
I don’t understand.
it’s always “wyd” and never “i spent $1,000 on harry styles pit tickets for you”
INTERVIEWER: What do you see as your biggest weakness?
ME:
INTERVIEWER:
ME:
MY MOTHER: He’s not good at speaking up for himself
The longer you’re a parent the harder it is to act excited when people tell you they’re pregnant.
You’re right, teenagers: We don’t know what you’re going through. The rest of us skipped straight from 12 to 20. Best decision we ever made.
My husband wants to Facetime me while he’s in Germany. I’m like, it’s going to be a little awkward with my boyfriend in the background, but whatever.
“And on the 7th day he rested”. Obviously God had not yet created laundry at that point.