Bought a vintage grandma purse but returned it because there weren’t any butterscotch candies inside.
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“LMAO WHO DID THIS” — me as a homicide detective
Trying a thing where I convince my boss today is Friday. Wore jeans, asked about her weekend plans, emailed her the Friday cafeteria specials & wished her a great weekend. Happy Friday everyone!
I love hard, but I stupid harder.
My husband: *Takes a deep breath and exhales*
Me: What’s THAT supposed to mean??!
*Batman happily approaches Batmobile*
Wife: Forget it, Bruce! We have two car seats & need to go to Costco.
*Defeatedly gets in Batvan*
Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.
I made a clone of myself to do the dishes, another to do the laundry, and another to do the cooking, but we’re all sitting on the couch watching tv.
What happens when you retweet a compliment about how humble you are?
(scientists naming weird spiny thing in a bush)
Scientist 1: This thing sucks
Scientist 2: Yeah!
S1: It’s hogging all the hedges!
S2: Wait.
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
When you were a kid, you said “But I’m not tired!” at some point, and you had no idea that it was the last time you’d ever utter that phrase.
Little Drummer boy: I have no gifts to bring
Mary: thats ok
Little Drummer Boy: I am a poor boy too
Mary: 🙂
Jesus: *sleeping*
Little Drummer boy: just gonna bang TF outta these drums tho
Joseph: if you wake him up i swear to god
Well, that didn’t work.
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Coworker: Wow, you look great! How’d you lose weight so quickly?
Me, without emergency loaves of bread stuffed in my clothes because it was raining when I left for work and I don’t like soggy bread: No bread
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My dad is at it again
There’s nothing sexier than being with someone who knows exactly what they want, unless what they want is to smother you in your sleep.
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”
Mr. Potato Head was an only child in spite of being made by Hasbro.
Heard rumors that a coworker slept her way to a promotion. Damn, if the bosses only saw how much I sleep at my desk I’d own this place.
Spice up your work day by drinking your coffee from a flask
I would like a formal apology each time I prove to my computer it wrongly accused me of being a robot.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right
*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*
I asked a judge if he would reconsider some of my case settings. I explained it’s hard to try 4 divorce cases 4 days in a row. He laughed and said, “Imagine having to listen to you argue 4 consecutive days.” And my husband who had no business even in the courtroom said, “Yep.”
Salesperson: What a cute service dog! How does he help you?
Me: Pete, purse!
*Pete pees on Louis Vuitton
Me: I’ll take it for 50% off
MAN!! My boss is always “Blah blah blah”, “You’re late”, and “Get me more pictures of Spiderman!!”
The mother went through her daughter phone and the lil boy her daughter was texting just went off on the mom 😂 😂😂😂😂😂😂😂