Having one bathroom in your house teaches you that it is possible to hate a person because of a bathroom.
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When I was a little kid, I used to think “this little pig went to market,” meant it was going shopping!
kid: dad how do you make a bubble?
me: well son you take an asset, and you give people a reason to value that asset at a much higher price than it’s intrinsic worth, thus triggering speculative investments-
kid: *puts away bubble blower and soap*
Him: What’s in your secret sauce?
Me: My feelings for you.
*wink wink*Him: I knew it tasted weird.
Friend: What do you get when you cross a dog with a rose? A Collie flower!
Me: Choose how you want to die.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, desserts are the second most important.
My 5yo was kind enough let me know that breakfast was gross but she liked the texture
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
[at craft beer festival]
Me: Miller Lite, please
*ukulele girl stops playing*
Bartender: *blinks repetitively*
Baby: *throws unsweetened hemp milk bottle at me*
When do kids stop eating things they find on the floor? According to my husband it’s not 38.
Sometimes I wonder if cannibals see hot tubs as broth for people soup.
Your sister wives’ moms are technically mother-in-against-the-laws
i miss the suez canal boat. you know the one
After my kid listened to that song on repeat for 3 hours, I’m pretty sure the fox said I should take a xanax.
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
the warning on my razor says “for external use only” and now I have questions
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
You can’t make me happy, mate. You’re not a family sized packet of salty sweet popcorn.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
It’s not a bad movie if you fell asleep because clearly you needed a nap, not a movie.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Me: What kind of Dr. treats men who won’t talk on the phone?
GF: What?
M: A Guy-no-call-ogist.
GF: I’m killing u in ur sleep tonight.
I saw a dating profile that said “No felonies” but I am not sure if that meant her or me.
I always try to put some condom wrappers in my garbage so the raccoons that go through my trash think I’m cool.
When I was younger MTV actually played videos. That’s what the M stands for. Music. Not Maternity, Motherhood or Moron.
My favorite Slipknot member is the one who wears the mask.
In my son’s class they were talking about allergies, my son said “My mom says she’s allergic to most other moms” Super
friend: look how big my new plant is getting!
me: oh wow, if you think that’s big you should see some of the ones outside has
Often when a man says something gross to me on the street I’m too stunned to say more than “ew.”
But just now a guy goes “what d’you taste like, girl?”
And I somehow managed to respond, almost automatically: “The blood of my enemies.”
Secretly Canadians love it when people mistake them for Amer-
*is decapitated by a hockey stick*