I’ve learned two important things in life, I can’t remember the first one, but the second one is to write everything down……
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1886: We invented a car!
1903: We invented a plane!
1969: We went to the moon!
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2015: Taco Emoji!
It was supposed to rain this morning and didn’t, which is rude to the sweatpants sofa plans I made.
Bully: gimme ur sandwich
Me [pulls knife]
Bully: hey man I don’t want any-
Me: -crusts. i know
I’m not doing ANYTHING until he asks nicely
My son – not this again
Cop –
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Don’t get your panties in a bunch. The nicer ones are sold individually.
The bouncer used to check the lining of my hat for weapons when I walked into a bar and now they have entire axe throwing ranges that serve alcohol
ENEMY: can you smell that? That’s fear.
ME: the baked goods?
ENEMY: no. focus on your fear.
ME: we must be knife fighting behind a bakery
kids play hide and seek like
[having sex]
Me in my head: Oh yeah, she’s LOVING this.
Her in her head: This could have been an email.
[Being chased by killer]
Me: *Frantically tries to finish my Amazon order*
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
Cop: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: *just ran a stop sign* Yes
Police radio: All units be advised: Dangerous suspect at large with the ability to read minds
Cop: *unsheathing his baton* Well well well
Welcome to parenthood. You will be issued 5 overly noisy toys by people who you thought cared about you shortly.
You have to wait 30 days to buy a gun but Amazon Prime only takes 2 days to ship live bees, no questions asked.
Boss: Your career is like a phoenix.
Me: You mean you expect it to rise from the ashes?
Boss: No, I mean it’s entirely imaginary.
[cats plan a heist]
Ok…Max, u cut the alarm. Felix, u open the safe. Um…any ideas for a getaway car?
*Mittens drifts by on a roomba*
Perfect
I don’t want to brag but I’ve already started my holiday weight gain.
I’m the cutest thing since sliced kittens.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
starting to realize that maybe the only reason i go to see movies in theaters is so i dont hav to face my reflection during dimly lit scenes
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
I don’t know much about physics, but I do know that cookout smoke will blow in whatever direction people are sitting.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
My kid is practicing his ninja moves, but he’s doing them right on the front lawn where everyone can see, so he might need more training
Husband: How’s your diet going?
Me: *scraping cheese off his burger wrapper with my teeth* Fine.
I hate when I fall down the stairs without my Fitbit on.
Person: My name is Mora.”
Hawaiian wizard: “Aloha, Mora.”
*Door behind her unlocks*