Sorry I borrowed your pen and performed that emergency tracheotomy that turned out not to be an emergency.
And sorry about your neck hole.
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*dents another car while parking*
*leaves note under windshield wiper*
“Material possessions are ephemeral and evanescent. Move on. I know I have.”
(first date)
Me: *hyperventilating*
Him: Don’t be nervous. Take a deep breath.
Me: Can’t. I’m wearing three pairs of Spanx.
Siri, tell me what these manicure ladies are saying about me.
“Your panties are so cute!! Let’s show everyone in the parking lot!!”
– The wind, apparently.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
My boss called in sick of me
COWORKER: how old is our boss?
ME: cut him in half & count the rings
CW: doesn’t that only work on trees?
ME: *over chainsaw noises* HE’S 38
Not to brag, but having travelled extensively through India I could teach you all you need to know about living without toilet paper.
~ me, flirting.
It was cool when I taught my kid at 2yo to whisper, “your soul is mine” back to us.
It was cooler when she started whispering it to anyone she was introduced to.
[looks over neighbour’s fence while he’s in the pool]
“Dude, we get it. You can hold your breath for [looks at watch] 19 days.”
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.
Muchacha is my favorite Spanish word that sounds like cows dancing.
Man, people are taking spring cleaning extra seriously this year.
ME: we can do this
GOOGLE SMART CAR: we can’t clear the bridge
ME: *mashes ‘im feeling lucky’ button*
My husband’s coming home from a work trip, so I’m putting dishes in the sink to make it look like I didn’t eat toast on a paper towel for five days.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
[being chased through the woods by a murderer]
Me: I CAN’T BELIEVE THIS IS HAPPENINGMurderer: What?
Me *showing him my Fitbit* I’ve done 10,000 steps
Murderer: omg lemme check mine
it’s not tv, it’s hbo. but here’s the thing, it’s also not hbo
i just think if i chewed lava quick enough it wouldn’t be too bad
H: Something’s wrong with you.
M: Yes.
H: No, like for real.
M: Yes, I told you that from day one.
H: But you were kidding…
M: Haha, no.
I just ate an apple to keep doctors off me, now what do I need to eat to dodge the cops?
I hate people that sit with you for hours and don’t speak, suddenly want to tell you their life story when you put in your headphones.
saying goodnight to the group chat only to go to the other group chat with 27 of the same people
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”
*courtroom*
judge: I hear you want a new lawyer
me: yes I do
judge: what’s the problem? your lawyer is licensed to practice law in Ontario
me: I want a real lawyer. not just one who is practicing
While not illegal, it is generally frowned upon to follow behind someone and play your travel harmonica synced to their footsteps.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
I accept CASH APOLOGIES ONLY. Thats why its called ACCOUNTABILITY…it goes into my ACCOUNT
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing