*invents time machine*
*goes to 1930 germany*
*points guns at young hitler*
What gives u the right to ruin a mustache style for everyone?
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Dr. Seuss: Would you could you in a box?
Would you could you with a fox?me: ok what kind of doctor are you anyway
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
When the boss says you have five minutes for lunch.
Wife: I’ll bet you $100 you can’t go a week without drinking.
Me: Piece of cake, babe.
[one week later]
Me: Just make that a liquor store gift card.
Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
“Asphyxiate’ would be worth like a million points…” I thought to myself as I lay choking on a Scrabble tile.
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
Me: We should get a bigger car.
Wife: You’re not thinking we should have another kid, right?
Me: No, I’m just tired of being able to hear the ones we do have when we are driving.
My son has been away all week on a school trip. I asked my daughter: ‘do you miss your brother?’
She looked at me puzzled and said ‘isn’t he in his room?’ALL week.
Haters will see you walk on water and say it’s because you can’t swim
Previously On Persistence 😎
I’m too lazy to try the Marie Kondo method. I’m pinning my hopes on a robbery.
Watermelon. The fruit that comes with a workout.
*eats half a pan of brownies while making salad for dinner*
Tinder date: Do you have any religious beliefs?
Me: *Motions vaguely in the direction of the refrigerator*
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Of course skinny jeans are canceled, after a year of quarantine no one fits in them anymore
People say Twitter is a futile waste of time, but that’s only if you’re doing it right
I load up my Volkswagen Beetle just like anyone else: one clown at a time.
Donald Trump has Muslim friends, Rick Santorum has gay friends, Ted Cruz has imaginary friends. #GOPDebate
The upstairs neighbors had a lovers spat this morning.
All I know is next time he better clean out the lint trap before he puts anymore clothes in the dryer.
Unless you’re going to tell me there’s a sniper target on me, I can wait for you to finish chewing to hear what you have to say. Thanks.
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
I was at the emergency vet for 8 hours last night before it turned out you have to be a dog
If you carry a knife in your mouth, people wont ask you what your Valentines Day plans are.
[arrives at party]
ME: This was a good idea.
*30 seconds later*
MY WILL TO LIVE: I’m gonna go wait in the car.
[sees girl reading The Catcher in the Rye]
“Ah I love that book. The way he just [clenches fist] catches all that frickin rye.”
Cat saves kid? Please. My cat would’ve pushed me into traffic, stolen my identity, & would be living it up in Mexico by now.
I’d explain it to you, but I don’t have any crayons with me.
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂