OH. COME. ON.
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I mowed the grass before a huge storm, and now my wife gets to hear me say “Good thing I mowed when I did!” all weekend
Son, there’s no need for a paternity test. I knew you were mine when you came prematurely.
What fool called it a submarine chef and not a pressure cooker?
Statistics show that the average person has sex 89 times a year….looks like I’m in for a flipping wild December
People who jump right out of bed at 5 AM and turn on every light in the house, who hurt you?
Marriage Counsellor: last week I asked you to come up with 3 things you love about each other.
Me: I need an extension.
buys donuts instead
Optimus Prime’s mom walking in on him while he’s carjacking
Rome fell because it was run by idiots who used letters as numbers.
Treat her like a princess & she’ll love you forever.
Unless she’s an actual princess. Then she’ll just think “I’m being treated normally.”
The water pressure of the hotel shower would best be described as paintball fight.
My husband is going to be so surprised when he finds out the woman I’ve been sleeping with is way hotter than his girlfriend.
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
Zeus: And I will call it, “Pegasus”
Me: *Crossing out “Mareplane”* Oh yeah no that’s great
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
*At the magic show*
Magician: Now I need a volunteer
Gary the Murderer: *raises a hand*
Magician: OH MY GOD WHOSE HAND IS THAT
My niece asked me “Why is his body so little?” Now I can’t unsee it.
Something extremely foolish must be done about all this.
This is a sub tweet
[GUYS WHO NAMED THE FIREPLACE]
Guy1: What should we call it?
Guy2: How bout ‘Hot Spot’?
Guy1: Nah..
Guy2: How bout ‘Fireplace’?
Guy1: Duuuuuuuuude!!!
Me: ugh I HATE meeting new people
Midwife: Support his head
HER: I’d invite you in, but I never kill on a first date
ME: kill?
HER: haha I meant kiss stupid autocorrect
ME: we are talking out loud
Me: *points at romantic relationships*
God: *slaps my hand* NO
He asked where I wanted to go for dinner, and that’s how the fight got started.
Not to brag, but I am really good at taking naps.
I can even do them with my eyes closed.
People on tiktok r like “I bought the viral mascara so you don’t have to” and im like when did I have to……
One time a cute guy I liked mooned his friend as a prank but there was a tiny piece of toilet paper in his crack & it haunts me to this day
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Her : You hang up first.
Me : *click*