me: aw i look so cute
my camera: are you in the right headspace to receive information that could possibly hurt you?
You Might Also Like
The best backflip ever!💕🤗🤗
My 4yo just came into the living room, crying, “I don’t want Santa to see me when I poo.”
[first day as life guard]
guy in water: help! help!! i don’t know how to swim!
me: *moving my arms* like this but in water
My dog, a descendant of the wolf, runs to me and cries when a leaf gets stuck to his paw
One of my biggest fears is the serial killer saying something funny while I play dead.
And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
DEFENSE: Your Honor, will you allow my client to escape?
JUDGE: I’ll allow it
PROSECUTOR: Aw WTF
JUDGE: Let’s see where he goes with this
If Russia prepares for war the way it prepares for the Olympics then we have nothing to worry about.
my computer: consider changing your password
me: consider fighting me in the streets
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
I love how people slow down and come to a complete stop to read the dammed traffic signs.
It says: STOP
You don’t need to study the dammed thing.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
My boss: you seem distracted today…
Me: sure, I’ll get that for you asap.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
[Quarantine]
Day 1: I love the way your nose wrinkles when you’re happy.
Day 6: do you notice when you crack your toes like that?
Day 13: IT’S CALLED EATING NOT COMPETITIVE JAW CLICKING STFU WITH YOUR FACE NOISES
Why does it take 3 minutes to burn meat and 4 days to thaw it?
[at library]
ME: Yes, I’d like to Czech out a book on eastern Europe.
LIBRARIAN: 3rd floor
ME: Get it?
L: This is dialog, I’m not reading it
I’m at a Metallica concert, and the woman beside me just used her phone to google “Metallica.”
there should be some kind of National Dog and before any politician gets sworn into office we have to see how the dog reacts to them
ME: it probably seems weird but I prefer to pee sitting down
THERAPIST: get the hell off my lap
getting sucked inside the jumanji game for 30 years is starting to sound pretty good at this point
Me: pretty much any name can be unisex
My son Stephanie: I hate you dad
in scotland, it’s illegal to be drunk and in possession of a cow. i just want to know how many times this happened before the government had to put their foot down
The bar sign said
“WiFi password since1938”
And I was like wow that’s been your password for a long time
If you’re cremated after you die, you can be put into an hourglass and continue to participate in family game night.
I’m a girl that your mother could love. From a distance. Maybe you just show her a picture, and make a lot of shit up.
My son keeps texting me for tax advice. He’s known for 24 yrs that I have a THEATRE DEGREE. I only act like I file my taxes.