Age 20: Gonna make something of my life
Age 30: Not really going as planned
Age 40: THEY KNOW ME BY NAME AT THE LIQUOR STORE
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I have a tenuous grasp on the English language. Shakespeare? That dude’s grasp on the English language was, like… twelveuous.
If you tell your coworkers you sleep in the nude, no one bothers you when you close your office doors at 2pm every day.
Killing spiders is easy and fulfilling if you imagine them whispering “You look fat in those pants”.
ME: Do you believe in ghosts?
WIFE: Yes.
ME: A ghost just spent $600 on a new home surround sound system.
They should use the good cop/bad cop tactic with more occupations, like good proctologist/bad proctologist.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
I am never leaving this website
Me: I think my back is hurt, I can barely get out of bed.
14: Oh that’s too bad. Can you take me to get an iced coffee?
another day, another instance of me forgetting to turn off my recording after an interview and otter listening to me talk to my dog
if you think you’re having a bad day, i just saw a guy wearing the lower half of a big bird suit walking down the side of the freeway with a gas can.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
“You wore that before.”
Yes, because I own a washing machine.
You catch more bees with honey, but I don’t want any bees. Seriously, if I could have all the bees, I’d want exactly zero bees.
Playing catch with my 8yo, I missed a high throw and said “could’ve got that in my 30s.” He replied “oh yea when you get old you get shorter.”
Despite 100s of years of evolution, when someone is vomiting our brains can only ever come up with “are you alright?”
Her: You like shopping?
Me: Oh god yes!
Her: What’s your favorite place?
Me: The grocery store. There is a whole aisle of just cheese!
I’m too immature for adultery.
*bitten by radioactive penguin
*gains ability to not fly
“Your new girlfriend seems a bit, I don’t know…bookish?”
She has a name you know!
“What is it?”
…Paige.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
People will come in and out of your life. Make sure they’ve gotten the flu vaccine.
-inspirational tweet
Sorry, but Spotify sounds like the opposite of a stain remover and why would I want it?
Just so you know, anytime I’ve said, ‘duly noted,’ I ain’t noting shit.
I don’t know if my neighbour is having sex or disciplining her dog. Either way, I’ve paused Downton Abbey to crack the case.
ME: I still suck my thumb at night, yesterday I called my landlady “mom”
JUDGE: you only have to tell the truth about questions you’re asked
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
Genuinely stunned France has adopted the word “wifi” rather than “le signal librement accessible sans l’utilisation de fils” or some shit.
[forgetting the name for leaf blowers] Do you have any wind bazookas?