They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
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Teenaged girls post pics of their bodies and they’re ‘sexy.’
I post pics of my bodies and I’m a ‘Serial Killer.’
[kool-aid man catches son sneaking in and smells his breath] is that…hawaiian punch?
“dad i can explain”
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
ohgod what if there’s some murderer in the backseat of my car while i’m driving alone and they hear me singing this cranberries song off-key
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
“I guess we should make them sound like a space shuttle is taking off during an a-bomb explosion.”
-person who invented hand dryers
I wonder if black ants and red ants have beef. I never see them chilling together. Ever.
I think marriage should be between a robot and a spider horse because I’m a retarded man child and this is what I bring to the conversation.
TEACHER: please take off your hat in class
*I take off my hat revealing a slightly smaller hat*
ME: I can do this 14 more times
Fun fact: Girls who tweet about sports will not do that thing you like.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
My kid every year on picture day after I’ve purchased an $80 package
Hi, I want to get a tattoo to express my individuality. Do you mind if I look through this book of tattoos you’ve done for other people?
“It’s not you, it’s me.” – Identical twins arguing over a photo.
Falling in love with me is like cutting your own hair. As in you’ll regret it later.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
After Sting retires he should change his name to Stung why are you still reading this
Baking powder gets most stains out of carpets and upholstery. Does anybody know how to get baking powder out of carpets and upholstery?
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
satan: I HAVE COME TO TAKE YOU TO THE DEPTHS OF H-
me: wow you’re tall
satan: thanks?
me: how tall are you?
satan: i dunno like 6’6”, 6’11” with the horns?
me: [twirling hair] omg “with horns”! you are SO funny
Why would I want to fund a crowd?
Current beard: Outdoor woodsman
Current body: Indoor couchman
I’ve been listening to the official workout station on Pandora for 3 months and I’m still fat, I’m calling bullshit.
Society: Just try to fit in.
Me:
Bruce Willis: I hate when people talk during movies, I never do it
Director: Yes but we’re filming the movie now, do you see the difference
I bet most people who wear Adidas shirts have never even really listened to their music.
BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
To sell their vehicles one company is featuring a heart felt country ballad, “I’ve got a heart like a truck.” So, if you live in the suburbs do you have a heart like a four door sedan?
I’m upstairs and the food is downstairs. Send help.