Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
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Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
If you call me “daddy” in bed I will immediately stop what we are doing and make you clean your room
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
I own 2 crabs. One is happy and the other is grumpy. The happy one is crab A.
The grumpy one is crab B.
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Sandwich: Hi. Barman: Sorry, we dont serve food in here.
Just when I’ve finally gotten everything cleaned and put in the dishwasher, my kid comes marching in with her museum collection of dishes and cups
If you start your emails with “Greetings” let me be the first to welcome you to Earth.
If I can’t msg you after years of no contact asking if you want some human teeth just block me now.
[pours miracle-gro on a nickel] i need this to work
Maybe just don’t throw stones in any kind of house.
Job interview with the NSA
Applicant: Would you like references?
NSA: We have everything we need.
App: You guys!
NSA: I know, right!
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
I’m so sick of tv and movies where the point is there are no likable characters. I don’t need to spend an hour with people I hate, I already have my life.
Everyone who works in customer service should legally be allowed to fight one customer a year.
when people look at tattoos, body modifications, hair colors or styles, and are like “do you know how awful that will look like when you’re 90” as though we all would look amazing at 90 anyway
I was talking to my husband about what it would be like to have a third kid when my 4yo wrapped his little hand in mine and said, “mom, I would be pissed.”
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
We can say “winter is coming” in a normal way again, right? Like it’s been long enough?
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
when you can’t remember if your friend’s birthday is yesterday or today
My toddler has just learned how to say her brother’s name. So now she keeps repeating his name over and over, which is driving him absolutely crazy. I have to admit that I’m kinda enjoying it though. Better him than me!
ME: haha u dare me to take off all my clothes and run thru this park
COP: no
ME: wow I cant believe ur making me do this lol
COP: I’m not
Me: I thought you were going to read.
10-year-old: I am.
Me: You’re watching a movie.
10: I got it from the library.
Checkmate.
*holds door for someone*
Them: This weather…
Me: No.
*starts pulling door closed on them*
T: *pulls on door*
Me: *holding door closed*
No.