ME: What are you in for?
CELLMATE: Money laundering.
ME: *lights a cig and takes a long drag* Always check your pockets before washing your clothes.
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*first time seeing a musical
“WHY ARE THEY DOING THAT?!! FOR THE LOVE OF GOD MAKE IT STOP!”
Flame has not adjusted back to house life yet. She stole a cinnamon roll from the kitchen and ate it.
me: i wonder what geese do at night
goose: [in a surveillance van] dammit we’re running out of time
Listens to you abuse me for my cargo shorts.
Reaches into pocket. Pulls out pack of peanut butter cheese crackers. Hands them to you.
I trust that will be the end of that.
My hobbies are scrolling through twitter, charging my phone and being generally dissatisfied with things.
Me: I look great today
Fluorescent lights: I can fix that.
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
Me: “Gee Thanks for spilling Cheerios all over the floor.”
3yo: “You’re welcome Mom, look at this!”*scatters more on floor
I deserve that.
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
The free hotel blow-dryer should be easier to get off the bathroom wall.
9yo: What age do kids go to normal jail?
Me: I’m not sure, I guess 18?
9yo: PHEW.
Me:
You know that confused look old people get when looking at new technology?
I’m like that, but with salad.
Necessity is the mother of Invention.
And there are also lots of other people in my family with stupid names.
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
Sometimes I get so wrapped up in my own problems that I forget there are people having real fights on the internet.
I hate it when a stick of butter goes rogue and leaps out of the refrigerator at me when I open the door.
Mario has killed more turtles than straws have but we don’t ban him.
[during mosh]
me: excuse me, sorry, excuse me, im sorry, my fault, sorry
torturing my cousin whos trying to get me a birthday gift
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
SCIENTIST: if we feed cows seaweed we can slash greenhouse gas levels
[later]
SCIENTIST [watching dead cows float in the ocean]: well shit
It’s payday!! Time to splurge! Time to indulge! Time to blow it all on *checks notes* an Adequate Amount Of Groceries
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
Hand dryers are a great way to see how your hands look while skydiving.
The opposite of ‘taking candy from a baby’ is ‘putting sunscreen on a toddler’.
I like running up to kids, punching a puppy in the face and screaming “WHERE IS YOUR GOD NOW?” And that’s my long-term solution to religion.
I like how automatic doors just get out of my way. I wish more inanimate objects seemed scared of me.