So, nothing rhymes with orange, huh?
*changes name to MC Orange, wins every rap battle, and retires undefeated*
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Scientists are just wizards who don’t take fashion risks.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
Me: The floor is lava!
Satan: Yes! We just had it redone. It used to be legos. Nice, right?
Star Wars movies now feel like when your dad caught you smoking and said “Oh you like cigarettes? Well now you’re gonna smoke a whole pack.”
Me: Can I start digging?
Society: No wtf that’s grave robbing.
[waits an hour]
Me: How about now?
Society: Ok, now it’s archaeology.
me: *coughs up mucus* JESUS
wife: quit blasphlegming
Happy #InternationalWomensDay to my wife. I’m no expert, but I think she may have overwatered her plant today.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
ME [wakes up next to attractive woman] omg wow, I can’t even remember, how…how far did we go?
HER: [looks out bus window] 2 stops
[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
Not saying the service in a café yesterday was slow, but on the back of the menu it said they opened in 1874, and there was a picture of me ordering my cup of tea
The time to worry is when Alexa stops laughing.
Sub the word ‘hostage’ for the word ‘parent’ at your child’s next activity to spice up the conversations with all the other hostages.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
me: oooh is that a bowl of jelly beans on the table?
therapist: yes help yourself
me: [mouth already full of jelly beans] if I could do that I wouldn’t be here
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
My 10yo programmed Alexa so that when he asks, “Who am I?”, she responds, “You’re the king and you’re better than everybody. Deal with it, peeps!”
I am so, so embarrassed that I didn’t program her first.
On predisents day we honor the big US man himself: Aberham Liclon. Tall, skinny, dry, and cruncy – he was america’s carrot
She says, the kids want to go to the circus.
I say, that I just saved us $400 by jumping out of the kid’s closet wearing a clown costume.
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”
I quit dating because I’m a germaphobe and also because my husband was getting annoyed
I bet a woman found that F35 and it was exactly where she said it would be.
Studying abroad: Spending months in another country.
Studying a broad: Spending months Facebook stalking Ashley.
Boss: Can I have a quick word?
Me: Rapid
Boss:
My in-laws are visiting…
This is their homicide note.
remeber: you hav the same number of hours in the day as this tree. and how much oxygen hav u produced? oh none? oh u CONSUMED OXYGEN!?!???
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Most people quit when their ahead
Then there’s me
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