people get sad when a bird flys into a window but when i do it its a big hassle
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Saw a sign on the highway that said “Kill or Injure a Road Worker: $7,500” but it doesn’t tell me where to pick up the money…
My young nephew said that people with glasses should only be able to marry other people with glasses. He’s like a tiny Republican senator.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.
Welcome to your 40s, your eyebrows are now a federally protected wildlife habitat.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Netflix needs a notification that says ‘Do you want to watch something or not?’ for when couples are taking too long to decide
“I just died in your arms” sounds much more romantic than “You’re holding a dead body.”
Just pulled into the ‘Expecting Mothers’ parking spot at Walmart because I’m fully expecting to lose my shit on one of my kids in there.
Like you’ve never thought about giving Adderall to a turtle.
MIL: You have to teach them really young to pick up after themselves
Me: *watching my husband take off his socks and leave them in the middle of the living room*
Me: Its a bear! Quick play dead!
*falls down and covers himself with leaves*
Her: We’re in a zoo!!
Fly wife: Notice anything?
Fly husband: …
Fly wife: Seventeen thousand eyes and not one spots my new haircut
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
me: are we there yet? are we there yet? are we there yet?
cop: if you don’t shut up I’ll turn this car around and none of us are going to jail
With all the infectious diseases spreading the globe it won’t be long until the introverts take over the planet. Though they won’t know until they run out of snacks and redbull
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
if i had to do it all over again i would definitely take more evening walks by the pantry
Thought my kids were finally playing well together. Turns out they were just upstairs hammering nails in the wall. And that is the story of why I’m one hundred percent done with summer break.
If the USA is so great, why did someone make the USB
*finally finds comfiest position in bed*
bladder: so you’re not going to believe this
My wife let me remove all her clothes last night.
From the dryer.
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
I’ve had a few people on this site respond to something they disagree with with “I expected better from you”, and I’m like “why?”
Most of Twitter could probably use a good bop on the nose with a rolled up newspaper
HR asked me to justify my position but I really couldn’t explain why I was just standing there.
Wife: an asteroid is on it’s way!
Hubby: Did you order that from Amazon too?