It would be easier if they just reported which parts of the globe aren’t on fire and don’t have hurricanes.
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what the hell pray for carter everyone
Breaking News. Apple is to buy Ireland to solve the debt problem. It will be rebranded iLand
kid: *sniffle*
me: need a tissue?
kid: no
kid: *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle* *sniffle*
“I JUST WANT TO PUT A BABY IN YOU!”
-me, trying to put a crib together
Does anyone else have Bad Underwear which is kept at the bottom of the drawer to help you remember that it is time to clean the Good Underwear
just got divorced on zoom in a dunkin donuts, the way the lord intended
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over
Me: Idk, but could you move this along? I’ve had too much to drink and I really need to pee.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
QUESTIONS YOU CAN ANSWER BY PEEING ON THINGS:
1. Am I pregnant?
2. Does my boss have a very forgiving nature?
Me: it’s not illegal
Cop, staring at my trunk filled with creamy peanut butter: It’s just… SO. MUCH.
Me: but it’s not illegal
Cop: no, no it’s not
I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
Guy: who was that?
Me: it was an automated call reminding me to vote
Guy: uh huh. How’d he get your number?
According to the price for a graduation cake from Baskin, son is either getting a cake or college, not both.
Be nice to your family. They get to pick the picture that will be in your obituary.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Her: Talk dirty to me
Me: I’m not good at it
Her: omg just do it!
Me: You’re a bad girl
Her: oh yeahhh…how bad am I?
Me: Substandard
9-year-old: Sorry I stayed up past my bedtime last night.
Me: You stayed up past your bedtime?
9: No.
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
Wife: can you please stop referring to our entire marriage as your “awkward phase”
PROFESSOR: We share 99% of our DNA with chimps.
ME: Okay so, like, do we take turns?
PROFESSOR: What?
ME: What if I need it and he’s still using it?
PROFESSOR: That’s not-
ME: I don’t want to fight him if he won’t give it back.
Moved my clocks forward and they fell off the shelves
I’m a confident person until I try to open a plastic produce bag. Then I look like a toddler trying to put a shirt on.
I would walk 500 miles
And I would walk 500 more
Just to be the man who
Walked a thousand miles
To throw up on your door
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
Made plans to exercise with a friend and now I have to go get in a car accident.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*