ME: why is my son failing
TEACHER: just because u gave him that name doesnt mean he’ll be intelligent
ME: [gasping] cover ur ears Smartboy
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The news reported a story about an angry woman, in a grocery store, that drop-kicked a cake.
Dear God, woman. Not the cake!
[commercial for Facebook]
*man sits in tree, watching friends from high school through binoculars*
“Don’t you wish there were a better way?”
Friend: I’m poly.
Me, pulling out crackers: Well, you won’t believe what I have for you!
Sometimes I just start counting and hope the person talking to me will go hide.
My cat hates fireworks because he can’t stand the thought of children enjoying themselves.
Detective: “The victim musta had company. There’s 2 dirty plates in the sink.”
If I ever get murdered they’ll think I had 16 people over.
me (no beers): i will never read from the human skin bound book of the dead. i will not chant it’s dark messages.
me (four beers, smiling): hell, lemme see that book of the dead, brother. what’s one rune reading among friends?
the crazy thing about being a woman is regardless of how much you grow and what you achieve, we will never be entirely safe from the sudden urge to get bangs
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
My Son: In my dream last night we were on the second floor of a restaurant, and the WEIRDEST THING HAPPENED.
Me: I love when restaurants have second floors.
My Son: It’s really fancy!
Me: It’s the best!
~ Team Lack of Focus, reporting for duty
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
Overheard at the coffee shop:
“Do the banana-nut muffins contain nuts?”
Natural Selection, I believe that’s your cue.
[carrying too many items]
store clerk: would you like a basket
me: no thanks my arms are full
ancient egyptian: whoever disturbs the mummy will suffer a horrific curse. did you write it down so they know?
scribe: I drew a picture of a bird & then a dog guy an’ then a different bird
egyptian:
scribe: 2 birds total
egyptian: u know what it’s fine they’ll figure it out
“Just this one more episode.” you said, and all the voices in your head laughed and laughed, and slapped their knees.
PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
Date: Let’s exchange numbers
Me: Won’t that confuse people who try to call us?
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
Friend: You know that country song that goes-
Me: No.
‘They’ll be searching for days!’ I giggle as I leave ‘sorry bout the damage notes’ on random cars at the Costco
time for some seasonal decor
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.
Mrs Doubtfire is my favourite movie about violating a custody agreement
Christmas cards are like, here’s a hard copy of the Facebook picture I posted a week ago.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
My DNA came back saying I come from a wide selection of cheeses.
[reading directions]
These are probably garbage words, I’ll just do what I, a moron, think
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE