I just watched Grease and it makes me sad how kids today are too lazy to buy matching leather jackets and smoke cigarettes.
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ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
*sees dead squirrel on the road*
Oh, poor squirrel.
*realizes it’s just a sock*
*whispers*
poor sock
*hangs a vacant sign on your forehead*
Someone’s just thrown a bottle of Omega 3 tablets at me. I only received super fish oil injuries, but still.
A 5yo’s energy is wild. How are you doing parkour while you relax and watch tv? Why are you upside down? Relax, please I’m getting tired just watching you hahah
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
”My intentions are not pure” I whisper as I put on yoga pants with no intention of doing yoga.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
My 5-year-old was pretend playing and she said to herself, “I’m super old, I’m 36” And I sent her to her room because the disrespect.
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Mortal Kombat was inspired by parents who co-sleep with their children
every cat falls into one of the following categories:
• looks like it knows how to use a sword but refuses to teach you
• looks like it just finished eating an éclair
If Die Hard isn’t a Christmas movie why do I spend the holidays hiding in the vents of my workplace?
Please do not ask a bookworm if they are going to finish the books they have before buying more. It is very offensive in our culture.
Dad: You can count cards?! I’m going to be rich!
[Casino]
Me: *Whispering* there are 52 cards
Confused owl: What?!
I spilled coffee over my keyboard, so I spent all day asking letters from my employees.
“Give me a “g”
“Give me an “h”
They hate me now.
Lol
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
*pronounces UPS like yoops
when your baby starts crawling on the ceiling how do you get it down
who needs a boyfriend when you could be surrounded by beautiful lizards, all kinds of lizards, so many lizards
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
*pours wine*
*sprinkles rose petals*
*dims lights*
*puts on Barry White*
*lights candles*
*burns incense*
*arranges scented oils*
*opens private tab in browser*
*getting murdered*
WAIT!!!!!!!
*buys new underwear and put them on.*
*flosses*
*sets phone on fire*Okay, proceed.
[dog dies in a movie]
Me: *crying*[human dies in a movie]
Me: *crying* why did they have to kill that dog earlier
I’ve just been asked if I’m OK as it looked like I was talking to myself in a pub. I said yes and was just working out a problem out loud about a cancelled train. I was actually talking to a spider.
For my next magic trick I’ll turn this fifth of tequila into a restraining order.