[you get brutally murdered and the killer is never found]
somebody 30 years later watching a documentary about it: this show is awesome lol
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Him: Your profile said you were Catholic.
Her: *apartment filled with cats* Maybe you read it too fast.
Apparently even if you build your own Viking warship, raiding and taking over a village is still, like, SUPER illegal.
[philosophy class]
PROFESSOR: u must question everything
[later]
ME: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have u been doing all day?!
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
Becky on Facebook is having a bad hair day and wonders if anything will ever go right. Be strong Becky, be strong. Also shut up.
Ariel: I wanna be where the people are!
Me: idiot
Me: how can I prepare for this meeting?
Friend: we can do a mock interview
Me: ok
Friend: why should we hire you
Me: wHy ShOuLd wE HiRe yOu
Fun Fact: In New York City it’s a Class A felony for a pizzeria to run out of pepperoni.
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
The officer said, “you drinking?” I said, “you buying?” We just laughed and laughed.
I need bail money.
[playing the game of life]
instructions: the player with the most money wins
me: *eyes wide* this game is so realistic
Radiohead fans, this is for you.
Good News: You mean the world to me.
Bad News: The world is pretty lousy right now.
You know you’ve mastered marriage when you shout to your husband, “Take the thing off the thing,” and he immediately removes the tin foil from the baking sheet.
Her: What’s your fantasy?
Me: It involves peanut butter…
Her: Mmmm. Where would you like me to put it?
Me: *hands her bread*
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
It’s amazing how one freaking mouse can make you clean the entire damn house.
Shipwreck survivors on an island
S1: We told you to spell ‘SOS’ with those coconuts!
S2: I know but I want our rescuers to know I’m a vegan.
Oldest kid: [Sick]
Youngest kid: [Sick]
Wife and me: [Staring each other down]
Wife: [Sneezes]
Me: Hahaha there can only be one-
Wife: [Sneezes on me]
Woke up thinking I’d look good in yellow.
Nope, looks like I was eaten by a shredded wheat box.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.
May have had one breakfast too many
If you weren’t supposed to stab people then they wouldn’t have been made so squishy.
Enough is enough. It is time for Sea World to step up and finally do something about the horrible whale who splashes everyone
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Cashier: Bag or plastic sir
Me: Neither
(scoops up forty items under my shirt and walks out)
Just know that when I say “the other day” I actually mean anytime between yesterday and 10 years ago.
*kids walking
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
Kids: Okay!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace