I bought a book on eBay called, ‘How to scam on eBay’.
That was two months ago, and it’s not arrived yet.
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Please don’t forget what Christmas is really about.
Asking your 30 year old cousin when she’s going to start having babies.
The 90s were wild. Scientists actually “cloned a sheep” as if we could tell sheep apart in the first place.
Just how popey was the pope today?
The best way to let someone know you don’t like them is to offer them a healthy snack.
the guy at the liquor store didn’t card me and it hurt my feelings so I said I was a cop and idk what to do next we’re just standing here
How to impress your ex:
1. Get rich
2. Get more attractive
3. Get a tiger
4. Ride tiger everywhere in preparation for confrontation with ex
Sometimes a walk down memory lane is more of a blind, panicked sprint complete with windmill arms.
Said to my girlfriend that she had changed my life more that she will ever know. She became overwhelmed with emotion. I didn’t have the heart to tell her it was because she showed me a shortcut on Microsoft Excel which I now use daily
ME: …and that’s what the ‘sine’ function is used for
MY SON: I will never have to know this again in my life
ME: Oh you will son, trust me
{20 years later…}
MY GRANDSON: Dad?
MY SON: Yes?
MY GRANDSON: What’s the ‘sine’ function used for?
Californians complain when it rains then complain when there’s a drought. Cmon guys do we wanna be wet or not!!
If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
6-year-old: What if dementors attack our house?
Me: They can’t get in.
6: Why not?
Me: My patronus is a screaming toddler.
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
One of the best parts of marriage is having someone to hate the couples on House Hunters with.
Just heard a guy at the dog park tell his dog “NO!” and then more quietly, “We talked about this!”
My 6 y/o and I are pretending to be on the show Alone. We each get to pick 10 survival items. My first item is coffee and his is a whoopee cushion. I think we’re ready for the real show.
There is no App,
To Replace your Lap!Read to your child.
#Mothersday #booklovers
I (a Nigerian Prince) have been having some thoughts about getting gold into America and wondered if you were in a good space mentally to send me your credit card info
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Me: I’m full of lust but I can’t perform in bed
Doctor: Do you struggle with the booze?
Me *looks at wife* the booing is bad but the slow clapping is just sarcastic
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Everybody keep your fingers crossed for me today.
Nothing’s happening, I just like bossing around internet strangers.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.
That’s a good costume, I hope.