“most famous reindeer of all” isn’t all that impressive tbh. compared to whom, exactly
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Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
BRONTOSAURUS: Why don’t you wear that sweater I bought you?
T. REX: I don’t think I could pull it off
[after meditating]: I’m still angry, but in a calmer way
Son #1: Who’s your favorite kid?
Me: It doesn’t matter.
Son #2: Yeah, but who’s your favorite?
Me: Your Mom is my favorite, and I’d bury you both alive on her say-so. Remember that.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
She likes her men how she likes her coffee: sliding off the roof of her car
Grease (1978, musical)
A highschool girl wins happiness and the acceptance of her peers by changing who she is and taking up smoking.
I’ve been wondering why a “fat chance” and a “slim chance” mean the same thing.
“Oh look, rain! Wait, how do I drive again?” – People
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
The cable guy was on my street and asked me what time it was.
I told him it’s between 8am and 12pm.
Like when you make a mistake on your paper so you use wite-out but then it gets all chunky and busted and worse. That’s concealer in your 40s.
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
[date]
him: I loved Captain Marvel.
me: Me too!
him: What was your favorite part?
me: *sweating* The uhhh…marveling
Wife: “Notice anything?”
Me: “Is it your hair, shoes, dress, eyelashes, mascara, lipstick, or nails?”
Wife: “You forgot to wear pants.”
Me: We should set up a play date
Hot dad at park: You have a kid?
Me: No, I said WE should
Women’s deodorant: Spring Breeze, Lilac, Gentle Sunshine.
Men’s deodorant: Sport, Mountain, Forest Fire, Rage, Fistfight, Childhood Angst.
I’m just a girl, yodeling at the top of my lungs, until someone agrees to give me this latte for free.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
*comes back with wife’s purse*
w: I said don’t run or people will think you stole it! How many times did you get tackled?
m:[bleeding] Twice
I don’t know who needs to hear this but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
When is it appropriate to double text someone?
I want my mom to buy some Scooby Doo gummies and she isn’t responding
God *creates dinosaurs* these are perfect
Dinosaur: Are you dino-sure hahaha
God *creates asteroids*
90% of moving to a new house in the summer is just figuring out which switch turns on the ceiling fan
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends