Pizzas make terrible but delicious gym towels
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AMULET: Touch me, and be cursed for eternity!!
ME: [picks it up] I feel fine.
AMULET: uh, I’m trying but- I can’t make ur life any worse.
My son plays this game where he’s a bowling ball and the bowling pins are everything we own.
Her: The next person that tells me to smile is not gonna know what hit them.
Wedding Photographer: and if you could all look at the camera…
the disturbing lack of time travellers arriving to stop 2020 happening suggests we never actually invent it
If Snickers really wanted to satisfy me, it’d be like 8 inches long
On average, 13 people a year are killed by sharks, and 2 of those are stabbings
Best movie gangster: The iceberg in Titanic
I was watching my son at soccer practice and couldn’t believe how good he’s gotten. I was trying to figure out how he improved so much in just a couple of days, and then I realized I was watching someone else’s kid.
*driving to the store*Lemons, lemons
*inside the store* Lemons, Lemons
*comes homes*
wife:Did you get the apples?
*drives back to the store*
People who say “teamwork makes the dream work” are the reason that some people want to punch other people in the face.
What’s the most ridiculous demand a customer has made of you? I’ll go first: when I was working retail, a woman once demanded I pick her up from her Botox appointment with my car & bring her to the mall to shop
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
Me: Ugh HBO is so annoying only releasing one episode at a time so I have to wait a whole week for the next one.
Also me: Ugh Netflix is so annoying releasing the entire series at once so I finish it in 2 days and have nothing to look forward to.
We didn’t have child safety seats when I was young. My dad would put a couple of us in the trunk if it meant not taking two cars.
I’ve spent the last six months trying to find my Mother-In-Law’s killer, but no one is willing to do it.
[produce section, grocery store]
Him: *finding the perfect apple* So, is there a Grandpa Smith?
I’ve never wanted to be a sci-fi actress but I do think I’d make a terrific “blonde in black glasses suddenly looks up from her computer with a WAIT…POSSIBLE GIANT MUTANT INSECT INVASION SOUNDS BAD expression”
I’m going as Alexa for Halloween this year and answering every question with, “Sorry, I’m having trouble understanding you right now.”
If I was a police sketch artist I would be like “is this the guy?” And they would be like “nope that’s a barn” because I can only draw barns
Have a headache? Eating a carrot can help if you take a Advil after it
me: I have a very particular set of skills, skills that make me a nightmare for people like u
kidnappers: like what
me: what?
kidnappers: like what skills
me: [covering mouthpiece] omg he’s asking what skills
wife: ffs
I’m so excited, I just sold my first house. I’m not even a real estate agent and my neighbors are furious for selling their house without asking.
Why must a movie be “good” ? Is it not enough to sit somewhere dark and see a beautiful face, huge?
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.
I bet Amelia Earhart is just wandering around in an IKEA somewhere.
Me: I’ll be ready in 2 minutes!
7: YOU SAID THAT A THOUSAND TRILLION MILLION YEARS AGO!
Looks like neither of us really have a grip on time.
Him: Can I have your number?
Me: *looks up from texting
I don’t have a phone.
Chasing a chicken around the yard for 20 minutes is my Thursday morning or as my dog refers to it,”The greatest morning in the history of the earth.”