Saw a friend really drunk last night so I took his car keys from him. Felt good, he was so drunk I doubt he remembers who stole his car
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Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
*flicks cigarette after a long drag*
Here’s the thi—
*coughs for like ten minutes straight bc I’ve never smoked before*
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
This new sauté pan and I have vastly different definitions of non stick.
time traveler: i love your volcano
pompeiian: our what?
time traveler: your mountain, your normal mountain
It’s raining outside but the weather report assured me that it’s not so I’m not sure what to wear.
My oldest boy struggled with the lighter when shooting fireworks, but my 9 year old mastered it quickly, I don’t know whether to be proud or concerned.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
One time when we were eating breakfast at denny’s my grandma read an ancient mormon hex at the table & accidentally reverse baptized my denver omelette.
Picture me eating dinner.
Wrong!
Louder. Drunker.
Even more backup dancers.
#NoRestForTheWicked
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
“Wait, the video is almost over!” – any kid with 17 minutes left on their video
When my husband asked me do something creative for dinner, I drew a cute picture of a dog on a napkin and put it next to the pizza box.
Keanu Reeves always seems like he’d be a cool guy to hang out with; you could murder a hundred assassins or maybe do yoga.
I cant use facebook cuz everyone making popular comment I wish I thought of first, like “thank God it Friday!” or “Im pregnant of baby”
If I could have dinner with one person, dead or alive, it would have to be Schrödinger’s cat.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
Take me down to the paradise city where the grass is green and hey why did you bring all these goats they’re eating this luscious grass.
Don’t talk to me about multiple universes I have enough trouble keeping this one running.
ME: babe i don’t think the acid we dropped is working
GIANT BLUE OX: are you sure
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
Him: Baby are you mad?
Me:
Typing…
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No, why?
IMPORTANT:
IF YOU GET A TEXT MESSAGE WITH A LINK THAT SAYS “NSFW SLIM JIM” — DO NOT CLICK IT — IT IS A VIRUS THAT PUTS YOUR KEYBOARD ON CAPS LOCKPLS TELL EVERYONE
My son asked me today how old Earth was and I told him over 4 billion years old. To which he then asked, “Ok so, how old were you when it was born?”
So if anyone asks, I guess I’m 4 billion and 40 years old.
Gemini: Invisible hands draw closer to your throat. Also, an Adobe software update is available. It will require a restart.