Me: What’s a six-letter word for “unhurriedly?”
Wife: Slowly.
Me: [sigh] W-h-a-t…i-s…a…s-i-x…
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One of the Covid symptoms is loss of taste so how do La Croix drinkers even know?
Look, Simba, everything the light touches is our kingdom.
“what about that shadowy place? by 2pm when the sun is west of its apex, it will be illuminated. is that our kingdom but only in the afternoon? what about night? what about clouds”
Simba.. who told you about science
I just want to be rich enough to donate enough money to have a wing at the mental hospital named after me
My new refrigerator beeps when the door has been left open for too long and so when I’m looking for lunch now I always feel attacked.
me: can we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: may
me: sorry, may we please find out when we’ll be getting results
my english teacher: no i mean the month
Don’t know if my mother-in-law is talking about a Netflix show she likes or a family member she hates and she’s so deep into the story I don’t think she knows either.
My ideal woman:
– beautiful
– bold
– speaks French
– has an army
– is of arc
Boss: For your first assignment I need 500 words about the healthcare debate by Friday
Me: *lied about going to journalism school* Oh wow ok umm
Bad
Unhealthy
Debateful
Shouty
Sadfaceemoji
Scary
Awkward
Hashtagnotgoals
Angr-
As your mom always said, “Heavy is the head that wears the clown.”
No thanks hot air balloons. I prefer to fly in 75 ton metal tubes as God and the Wright brothers intended.
Apparently Pound Town is NOT a British dollar store
me: i lost my luggage.
airport worker: did you carry on?
me: *sigh* how can i?
Toy Story (1995) – A cowboy & a deluded astronaut battle over who gets to sleep with a 6-year-old boy.
*looking a gift horse in the mouth*
– British dentists
How do I tell a guy that I’m only interested in him because I’d like to take selfies with his puppy?
Thanks for posting another selfie. I completely forgot what you looked like 24 hours ago.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
[clenching fists] “I’ll fight someone”
Waiter: For the last time sir, ‘cheese plate’ describes the items on the plate not the plate itself
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
My husband watched me clean the entire house today, and then asked me if I had a relaxing day.
I get why the spouse is the first suspect.
*crawls up from backseat*
*slowly pulls off paper bag from head*
What? No… I’m not embarrassed by your driving
I just misspelled a word so bad that auto correct blew milk out its nose.
Roses are red,
Change comes with the tide
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
[after winning scratch off ticket]
*makes it rain 3-ply toilet paper*
History fun fact:
In the Middle Ages, anyone could get a concealed carry permit. You never knew who might have a trebuchet tucked under their coat or a siege tower in their pants. Dangerous times.
Brit: You don’t say queue in America, do you?
Me: *condescendingly* We say all of the letters here.
There are actually only two stages of parenthood: having children, and having children who can reach things on countertops.