girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
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*at picnic*
Him: Oh great, you brought a bottle of wine.
Me: Sure did! Where’s yours?
Him: …
Me: …
Him: Uhmmmm
Me: Guess only one of us is drinking then.
Do you Karen promise to love and to cherish Mark, always put the toilet paper on the roll over the top, and not leave crumbs in the butter?
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Why did the Fresh Prince have to take a cab anyways? How shitty was that family that no one would pick him up from the airport?
After a great late-night cup of coffee, my wife posted on Facebook, “Satisfied!”
I woke up to a barrage of congratulatory messages.
kidnapper: we have your son
my dad: ask him if he has my lighter
Elephant 911: What’s ur em-
Elephant: MOUSE
Elephant 911: WHERE
Elephant: FLOOR
Elephant 911: JUMP ON THE TABLE
[table breaking noises]
“I’m in a New York state of mind” ok so you’re just being rude to tourists and eating bagels
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
Secret Santa is very disappointing if you’re self-employed.
Note to self: Before committing any murders, get head and shoulders. Can’t be leaving DNA all over the place.
[steps on scale]
Me *shrugs*: New year, more me
*first date*
Him: You have a very defined jawline.
Me: Thanks! I chew a lot.
HIM: What do you think happens to us when we die?
ME: Funerals, you idiot.
Let’s go to church and wink at each other whenever one of our sins gets mentioned.
*Queen bee in hive*
“You, go pollinate flowers”
“You, go make some honey”
“You, go buzz around some humans and ruin their picnic lol”
I know you’re not supposed to question doctors, but it’s weird how my dentist keeps insisting on checking my prostate.
We’ve got Tyrannosaurus Rex stamps and Queen Elizabeth II stamps in the Post Office at the moment. People can choose between a tyrannical long-dead reptile… or our beloved queen who died recently. I can’t believe you thought I was going to make that joke.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
I made this sign for a broken stepladder at work & honestly I think I need to make one for myself too
My wife celebrates Christmas on December 26th. That’s when she returns everything I bought her and gets what she wants.
Darth Vader: [swiping through tinder] why am I not getting any matches
Stormtrooper: [under breath] maybe because you’re an evil genocidal maniac
Darth Vader: is it because I’m a single dad
I was almost malled to death by a bear. He had me waiting outside of Bath & Body Works for like an hour.
BOSS: it’s national replace H’s with F’s day
ME: really?
BOSS: yep, you’re hired!
ME: hahaha-wait
BOSS: get out
ME: what the huck?
My coworkers are trying to talk me into doing a Polar Plunge. If I want to be doused into freezing cold water I’ll just have someone flush while I’m taking a shower.
Waiter: Is Pepsi okay?
Coke: everybody cares to ask about Pepsi. Nobody asks how I am
*coke storms off angrily*
I imagine Hell is just a place where you watch a montage of people’s hands you’ve shook that didn’t wash them after they used the bathroom.
[notice son’s not home]
[text]
Me: IT’S AFTER MIDNIGHT! I SAID HOME BY 11!
17: You were my ride.
Me: Oh. Where are you again?
[Being murdered at Walmart]
Please will you dump my dead body at Target people can’t know I shopped here