Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
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Warning: Too much sex leads to a house full of people who don’t like you.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
*at 5’s “restaurant”*
5: What can I get for you?
Me: Tacos.
5: We’re not Italian.
Me: Tacos aren’t Italian.
5: We’re Mexican.
Me: Great! Can I have some tacos then?
5: We don’t have tacos.
I think this restaurant is having an identity crisis.
[dentist giving me a filling]
Me: guh uh hag a hogreg?
Dentist stops: what?
Me: do you have a boyfriend?
[interview]
HIM: have u ever bribed anyone?
ME: *pulls a package of OREO’s from briefcase and slides across table* depends on who’s asking
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
When your bio says “No DMs,” I wanna DM you SO BAD and just say:
“OK.”
Botany good plants lately?
*Wife walks in, the house is trashed*
“OMG..we’ve been burgled”
*I jump out of the closet in full hockey gear*
HAVE YOU SEEN THE WASP KAREN?
Whose bad idea was it to text him a 4th time just in case his phone was being weird?
Tequila, I’m looking at you.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
Oh, you’re with child? That’s cool. I’m with vodka.
*rubs belly*
I think costco should be the next president of the united states
Raccoon: So lemme get this straight: I’m adorable?
God: Yes
Raccoon: Comical?
God: *chuckles* Yes
Raccoon: Would make a great pet?
God: Oh my yes
Raccoon: Wow, I must be man’s best friend!
God: *shakes head* They call you a trash panda
A woman just asked me to “unpark her car” and now I’m searching urban dictionary to see what I really just agreed to do
Man, I can’t believe 2019 was over 20 years ago
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
A new study says eating sugar will kill you and was conducted by the No Shit Sherlock Research Institute.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
how does everyone know when fruits are in season.. when did u learn that. did i miss fruit season day in algebra. did u swallow a farmers almanac. why are peaches only in season for 8 hours a year
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
Useful information: don’t turn around if a woman throws a shoe at your back. Because more than likely the other one is in mid flight.
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
I just replaced the can of air freshener in the office bathroom with an air horn.
And now we wait…