My husband gives people the thumbs down instead of flicking them off from the car. He reports that the thumbs down makes people even more mad.
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The coolest feature of being over age 40 is now when I get a pimple it only takes 14 months to go away.
[grocery store]
Meat department: 7 people will all try to help you at the same time, they are very excited about this
Rest of the store: reportedly one person works here but he has not been heard from since 1989. His name is Gary. If you see him, tell him his family misses him
If you knock down a policeman, they’ll get backup.
“ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME OR NOT?”
“What are my choices again?”
I get my dopamine the old fashioned way, by practicing my signature with your last name
I feel like trying new things in bed. Like getting up for instance.
“Love me do” is my favourite Beatles song written by Yoda.
Kidnapper: we have your wife
Me: you sonofa-it was HER turn to take the kids to the park today!
I’m disgusted by the amount of nudity on Netflix these days. There’s hardly any. What am I even paying for?
them: Why don’t you think about what you’re doing?
me: lolz
My eldest nephew is on the spectrum, and his one-liners are iconic.
My mom told him, “I’m disappointed in you.”
He looked at her and replied, “Well, let’s hope you get over that feeling by tomorrow.”
That was 5 days ago. She has yet to provide a proper reply LMFAO
If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong
where it all went wrong:
“of course i know where we’re going”
The fact that jellyfish have survived for 650 million years despite not have brains is great news for stupid people.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
People that freak out about their photos being bookmarked should probably know about the save function. And screenshots.
I befriended a ghost who keeps wheezing all the time.
I named him Gasper.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
Thanksgiving prep with mom is great for my self esteem:
Why aren’t you helping me??
*starts to help*
You’re doing it wrong! Let me do it!
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
It turns out that the Circle of Life doesn’t mean a donut, I’m so confused.
Date night with me is like a game of Chess: I start off making the right moves, but by the end of it, I’m needlessly sacrificing bishops
what’s something i can do besides get married where i can be the center of attention and everyone cries and tells me how beautiful i am
ME: You could cut the tension with a knife
CABLE CAR OPERATOR: Please don’t
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
If you keep laughing then you’ll always have the last laugh.
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
Me: *Does one 30-second Google search for giraffe pictures to use in a joke I’m texting someone*
Pinterest email: HERE ARE 48 BOARDS OF GIRAFFES YOU MIGHT ENJOY BECAUSE YOU ARE OBVIOUSLY A GIRAFFE FANATIC