I’ll die fat, drunk & happy while you live healthy until you get run over by a bus… See ya at the cemetery!
You Might Also Like
[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
Facebook: see what my mom’s friends are up to
Instagram: see what my favorite celebrities are up to
Twitter: see what my fellow swamp demon hell spawn are up to
*moves $124 to an offshore bank account*
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
I haven’t had one mouth papercut since I stopped flossing with business cards
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
Even autocorrect has no idea where I’m going with this.
Luke Skywalker: What are you dressing as for Halloween?
Yoda: WITCH, I MIGHT BE
how long have you had this for?
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
DISNEY: A princess is strong!
ILLUMINATION: Minions are silly.
PIXAR: The meaning of life is not actually one answer, but the totality of an individual’s lived experiences, rarely appreciated without the wisdom of hindsight.
50 shades – only romantic because the guy is a billionaire. If he lived in a trailer, it would be another episode of criminal minds
Butt weight. There’s more!
Me: WHO DREW ON THE WALL?!
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old:
2-year-old:
4-year-old: The dog.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
My mug is Stanley. My cooler is Yeti. My driveway is snowy. Just one of these is truey.
You know that wonderful feeling when you bump into an ex and they look rubbish? One of my ex’s is currently enjoying that emotion.
I bought iliteracy for dummies but I couldn’t make any sense of it
parents love texting “call me as soon as you can.” then being like “i just wanted to know if you’d seen westworld”
[after explaining speed limit signs]
5: I like how you’re creative with speed limits
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
The 1st cup was used in 1874, the 1st helmet was used in 1974. It only took 100 years to learn our brain is also important.
90s scientists: we cloned a sheep! we landed a robot on mars!
scientists today: for the last time, the earth is *round*
I am the physical and mortal manifestation of this sacred image
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
My webcam business is failing, it’s like men would rather not pay to watch me cry.
My wife thinks she caught me with a lip of tobacco but it was bacon and now I have a choose your fight adventure on my hands
I’m not sure where you ladies go to learn how to argue, but that place is good