*pastes on mayonnaise in place of roll on deodorant
You Might Also Like
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
I’ll have a whiskey.
“On The Rock?”
Yeah, the rocks—wait, what?
[You look up at a smiling Dwayne Johnson]
“This one’s free, buddy.”
me: I hope you don’t mind that I got a dog for our son
wife: of course not, where is he
me: I just told you
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
*first day as crime scene investigator*
*Removes sheet covering victim*
*replaces it with a sheet that has pockets*
*instantly becomes new favourite of all my female coworkers*
Stretching and yawning at the same time might not look so sexy but it looks like you’re a Pokemon evolving so that’s cool.
Welcome to your 50s. You can now pull a muscle peeling boiled eggs.
When you’re running late, don’t tell your kids you’re running late cause they won’t move any faster and they’ll say fun things like, “I’m fine being late”.
I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
Losing your spouse can be hard.
But it’s not impossible.
“Sir, do you have any dietary restrictions?”
*unbuttons pants*
“Not anymore!”
GOD: They scared enough?
ANGEL: Not yet
GOD: You got Trump running?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Hurricane?
ANGEL: Yup
GOD: Ok, send in the clowns.
This made me smile to an unreasonable degree 😂
Whenever I read the phrase “We’ve changed our privacy policy,” I just shrug and assume they already have pictures of me on the toilet.
Just expressed my displeasure by showing my husband the chewed up food in my mouth because apparently I’m 8 years old.🤦🏻♀️😂
No tailgaters on the truck loosely hauling porta- potties.
Woman: Please send an ambulance, I’m having contradictions!!
Operator: Ma’am, do you mean ‘contractions’?
Woman: Yes! No!
If all the Domino’s employees in the world held hands, you’d have to make your own pizza.
My kids found their Kit Kats then accused me of hiding them. Like WTF, how shameful are these kids to go in to my closet?
Him: *down on one knee*
Will you marry me?Me: Nah, I’m good, but…
(puts up hand up to high five) thanks for asking!
My daugjter just ruined Toy Story for ever. She said if one of the toys died Andy wouldnt know and he’d carry on playing with its corpse
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
I like to yell “Stranger danger!”whenever my boss introduces me to a new client.
“There are way too many people in there.”
~my 7yo’s review of Where’s Waldo
[picks up date]
*slides over hood of car* *slides off car onto another car* *slides off that one onto another car* *date looks at her watch*
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
ME: my wife and i are having a baby!
FRIEND: wow, that’s amazing! congratulations! sex?
ME: yes, that’s how we made the baby…
Who gets custody of us when Twitter dies?
*at a party*
peter: jesus keeps double dipping his chips. should we say something?
paul: we all saw him walk on water the other day. he brought a guy back from the dead last week. he seems to be in command of some pretty scary powers but, sure, go tell him to stop double dipping.