My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
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Scientists say Spider-Man would not be able to climb vertical surfaces due to his size. It’s almost like someone made the whole thing up.
Shit: bowel movement
Sh t: vowel movement
i
Instead of asking pregnant friends if they know the baby’s gender, I ask if they know the species, that way I don’t have to worry about being invited to the baby shower
I wonder who pays the electric bill for the light at the end of the tunnel.
Tonight was supposed to be date night but instead I’m heading to the grocery store because my wife just texted me an eggplant emoji.
You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take and 98% of the ones you do. Maybe this is not your sport.
Neighbours kids just challenged me to a water fight.
I’m just tweeting while I wait for the kettle to boil.
DOG BOSS: Any messages for me?
DOG ASSISTANT: just one from Mr. Agoodboy
DOG BOSS: who’s Agoodboy?
DOG ASSISTANT: *tail starts wagging*
I need to update my racial profile.
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
*sees sister’s facebook post that her dog died*
how do i tell her i love her & i’ll always be there for her
*clicks sad face button*
perfect
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Guy threw a banana peel out the window into my lane 2day. Yrs of practice paid off and I arrived to work safely. Thank you Mario Kart.
I just took my uncle Kevin for his Covid jab. A barely noticeable prick but someone had to take him.
It’s been 6 months since I joined the gym and no progress. I’m going there in person tomorrow to see what’s really going on.
A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.
my grandpa lived on the ninth floor of his building and he’d still tell you to get off his lawn
always humbling that plants that survived whatever killed the dinosaurs cannot survive two weeks under my care
*in court*
Prosecutor: In 2002 you had an incident where you ran into a pond to fight geese.
Me: In my defense, I was stoned and they were talking mad shit because one stole my Doritos. I have a rep to uphold.
P: THEY BEAT YOU UP!
M: I know. They were organized.
Got to check out Godzilla Vs. Kong early and if you’re a fan of buildings I’ve got some bad news for you.
This isn’t chess folks. Pick a nuggie sauce and move along
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
[me narrating a documentary about grasshoppers]
And here we see these little liars hopping on sand.
ME: I’d like a free burrito
CHIPOTLE CASHIER: Sir, it’s buy 1 get 1 free
ME: Right [points to stranger] that guy just bought one
“I’ll fix the roof myself,” I said, “save some money” I said…
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
Offered my barber $50 for the cape thingy he puts over me. I’ll never eat an office hotdog loaded with mustard in fear again.
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.