Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
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I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Poor helium. I like to imagine there’s a shelium out there somewhere, waiting gaseously
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
‘Come over,’ she begged. ‘I need you right now!’
‘Just turn it off and on again,’ he sighed.
He hated these late night rebooty calls.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills
Trying to take the best instagram picture ever but the kittens keep drowning in the latte.
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
Me: SORRY I HAVE TO HANG UP I’M HEADING INTO A TUNNEL
* hangs up land-line *
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
[pre-op]
Me: In just a few minutes we’ll administer your euthanasia.
Patient: Don’t you mean anesthesia?
Me: Sure. Whatever.
“We’re not buying another toy until Mommy gets laid!” might not be the most appropriate thing to yell in ToysRUs.
Hairdresser: How do you feel about a chin length hairstyle?
Me: That depends
Her: On?
Me: Which chin you’re going by.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
The man next to me has cologne so strong that I’m dizzy with hallucinations, plus all those mushrooms I took.
Cop: license and registration please.
Me: (gives cop both)
Cop: you drinking tonight?
Me: no.
Cop: you handed me 2 empty beer cans.
I’m opening a Japanese restaurant for depressives.
It’s called “Miso Sad.”
Me (to a baby): Hush little baby don’t say a word. Momma’s gonna buy you a mocking bird
Mom: like hell I’ll buy that kid anything..
When you “pspspsp” too hard
I my rage I texted my friend “I made some strawberry ganache for you and I now I am never going to give it you”.
We made up later and long story short I need to learn how to make ganache.
I can’t seem to convince these dogs & cats that I don’t need their assistance in the bathroom.
Sorry my ringtone of NSYNC’s Bye Bye Bye went off during the funeral
Fight club except it’s me and an old nail polish bottle.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Oh, you’re a fan of The Chainsmokers?
Name 3 chains they’ve smoked
I would never have a swear jar as
1. It would suggest that I regret swearing and
2. Imply that I have spare change.
Will I understand Charles III if I haven’t seen Charles I or II
Maybe jesus needs me in his life
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
I keep hearing “Just be yourself” from everyone. I didn’t realize so many people want me to go to prison 🙁
*getting eyelashes done* just glue them shut I’ve seen enough